


You Are Here

by voxane



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Neil and Andrew traveling and growing together, background canon compliant relationships, each chapter is a different trip, god i just want them to do great, gratuitous boning, mentions of past trauma, personal growth mirrored by sexual growth, underlining family in found family, vacation fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-02-27 13:48:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18740302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voxane/pseuds/voxane
Summary: Andrew asks Neil to throw away memories of running away and replaces them the option to roam. No matter where they end up going, they find someone they can call family and end up learning something new about 'Them' and 'This'.--Trip 2: Folly Beach“I’m going to Aaron’s wedding.” He looked Neil dead in the eyes as he said it, and to the untrained ear, it probably sounded more like a threat.“Why the change of heart?” Neil kept his tone conversational, and his eyes on the flowers rather than Andrew. “Did you talk to Betsy about it?”It was obvious he had, but Neil wanted to see if he was willing to talk about it with him. Andrew grunted and plucked a flower of the bush to get a closer look at it.“I was feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance. Betsy asked me to compartmentalize and assign value to all the shit I was thinking about. It’s math, you should get that.”“We’ve talked about people as equations.” Neil teased, plucking a flower of his own between his two fingers. Neil held it up to the sun, and the colors bled together. “But I’m glad. It might be our last trip for awhile.”





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Um hi hello I mainlined these books in week span and was honestly so obsessed that I couldn't stop thinking about The Foxes to even start planning what I could do with them. I wrote this as part of my camp nano adventure! and I have all the other chapters outlined! I'm EXTREMELY excited for them, but I write a little on the slow side so sorry!!! but the chapters are MEATY so hopefully worth the wait. 
> 
> Also, just a forewarning, I'm going by as much info to Nora's asks and future canon as close as possible - but I'm bending some non published facts to work with my narrative a little closer. Sorry if that confuses or upsets anyone!
> 
> I adore these kids so very much so I hope you enjoy going on vacation with them!

Neil plopped his bag next to his desk with a dull thump, not paying attention to the weight of the textbooks. He was preoccupied. There was a foreign object left dead in the middle of his desk which he examined with a deserved curiosity. Something flat, probably, and crudely wrapped up in a paper bag. The package was barely held together with a single shred of packing tape.

The telltale sign of an ‘Andrew Gift’.

Neil couldn’t help but hook his fingertips in the hem of his armbands as he craned his neck to see if there was any sign of Andrew in the dorm. The counter was free of abandoned ice cream containers, and the coffee pot was off with the stale remains acrid in the air. The door to the bedroom was ajar, and crackling radio static and muffled voices ranting excitedly of what could only be the USC game. Kevin was the only one who still bothered with radio, and for only one agenda.

Neil snapped back to his train of thought at the jangling of metal on metal. He closed the door to the bedroom as softly as he could before padding on the balls of his feet to their front door as he watched the knob turn to unlock.

“You got me something?” Neil asked in lieu of any greeting. The words came out too fast, in hushed German to let him know they weren’t alone. Andrew dragged his gaze to the shut bedroom door and flared his nostrils as if Neil’s words stank like the damp grounds left in their Mr. Coffee.

“I’m proposing a deal,” Andrew responded in blunt English. He brushed past Neil, all business, and moved to drop his bag on the floor before climbing up to sprawl on top of his desk. He kept purposeful eye contact with Neil, head cradled in his hand. He didn’t look away from him, scooping up his pack of American Spirits and zippo with his free hand.

“Okay,” Neil nodded and grabbed the paper bag off his desk. He didn’t stop moving until he made it to Andrew’s desk, lowering himself into the seldom-used chair, weighing the parcel in his hand. He kept his eyes glued to it like his stare could keep it any more together than the spare piece of tape. He stayed stock still though the clicking of Andrew’s lighter, and the groan of their worn out window pane being forced up.

“Don’t open it.” Andrew turned to blow smoke out the window, and let his gaze settle onto the campus skyline as he spoke. “You have to agree to my terms if you want to keep it.”

Neil nodded again, looking up to Andrew, even though he wasn’t looking at him anymore. “Which are?” Andrew took an exaggerated drag of his cigarette and kept his eyes fixed on the buildings in the distance, like he didn't stare at them day in and day out enough to trace the campus skyline from memory. His hand betrayed his mask, twisted in the fabric of his sweatpants. Neil pretended not to notice, even though he was sure Andrew felt the weight of his gaze on him.

“You have to throw away your binder.”

The words sucker punched him. Neil hadn’t looked at the notebook in almost a year. He had no reason to. But there was something comforting about knowing that it was nestled in the bottom of his safe wrapped in the nylon of his duffel bag. There were words jammed in his throat, cramped and eager to protest. Neil didn’t even realize how hard he was biting his lip until the warm tang of blood trickled down his tongue. Andrew turned his gaze to him, expression dry with boredom as he watched Neil’s knuckles go white over the brown craft paper. 

"That shouldn’t be hard,” Neil said, hating how unconfident the dull observation sounded.

“It shouldn’t,” Andrew agreed between lazy breaths of smoke. He ashed his cigarette and changed to German, probably more for Neil’s sake than his own. “Kevin is no longer a threat. Riko is dead.”

And he woke up in Andrew’s bed this morning.

“You're out of people to keep tabs on.”

Neil knew he was right- but he couldn’t explain the hesitation. He couldn’t explain how the hours of meticulous construction seemed to catch up with him all at once. He couldn’t explain how it used to be as integral to survival as food, water or sleep. He couldn’t explain how he could tell it apart from any other binder, same color and brand because it was life or death if he didn’t. For so many years, that worn out binder with plastic curling at every edge was his bible. Andrew ground out his cigarette on the windowsill, mouth twisting in a frustrated frown as he watched the last curls of smoke get sucked out through the window.

“Just open it.” Neil could feel the exasperation in his tone, even if Andrew tried to snuff it out with a layer of apathy.

“But I didn’t agree.”

“Don’t make me change my mind.”

Neil didn’t need to be told a second time. He tore through the barely sticky tape and reached into the bag. Neil could smell leather before he even had it pulled out of the paper.

The book he pulled into his lap was almost crude looking. It had a worn, oiled leather cover held together with a hook and eye so loose, it couldn’t actually keep the book closed. There was thick wide stitching on the binding, uneven with human error. Neil let his fingertips glide over the smooth leather and slowed over the small embossed message in the center. He studied every ridge and angle of the letters as he ran his fingers over the indents as if it was written in braille, and this was the only way he could truly understand its message.

I AM NOW

Neil looked up to Andrew curiosity written all over his face and a question on the tip of his tongue - though he wasn’t precisely sure what question he had.

“Look inside,” Andrew said, the _idiot_ left unsaid but still tangled in his tone.

Neil let the hook and eye fall loose with a soft jostling of the book. He wasn't sure if he heard a displeased grunt from Andrew, or if he imagined it - but he smiled nonetheless. The pages inside were stark in contrast to the cobbled together exterior. Bright white paper that was sparse with clean and dark lettering. The few words on the page were printed in clean lines and formatted with a tight font free from flourish for a concise, direct message.

The header for each page, bold and black read: TRAVEL PLANNER. Underneath it, boxes and charts and checklists organized for preparedness. Neil hastily flipped the page, to some with the same header but blank space, he flipped again to find the same soft whiteness edged with red and blue like it was meant to be shipped internationally. He pulled apart the pocket with two fingers, peering inside for the answers. It didn’t take long to move that gaze up to Andrew who was done smoking, curled up on top of his desk like a spring of frustration pushed flat with potential energy.

“You said you wanted to take a trip,” Andrew said it like it was as obvious as the sunlight pouring onto his face.

“Now you have to.” The chair screeched as Neil stood, and he made sure to dart an eye to the bedroom door (still closed) before he shoved the journal into Andrew’s stomach. He hovered his hands around Andrew’s jawline. Andrew huffed like Neil was a major inconvenience, and Neil knew he was welcome to thread his fingers into the back of his hair. It was nice when Andrew was in between haircuts. Neil liked having a little more to grab.

“Will you come with me?” Neil asked, smiling so wide he could feel it in his cheeks. Andrew’s face stayed cool and disinterested - but his hands unknotted themselves from the fabric of his pants to hold Neil by the waist and noncommittally hummed.

“Yes or no, Andrew.”

Andrew’s eyes were sharp on him. Despite Neil’s playful tone, he knew his Andrew would understand he was deadly serious.

Yes or No questions weren’t asked lightly between them.

“Yes.” Andrew exhaled, and let his eyelids slide shut. Neil closed the space between them, gripping Andrew’s hair and thanking him with wordless kisses. He pushed his body so hard against the edge of Andrew's desk he was sure he’d bruise his pelvis. It was hard to care when Andrew let himself melt into Neil to let his legs dangle on each side of him. They kissed as much and as hard as they could and still remain silent. But it was getting to the point where Neil was on his tiptoes because he needed so much more. Andrew put a soft hand to Neil’s chest but didn't push him away. Andrew’s mouth was tight-lipped, but a frown tugged at the edge of his mouth as he eyed the bedroom door. Without the kisses to distract him, Neil could still faintly hear the radio in the other room. He nodded at Andrew, before releasing him from his grasp and noiselessly walked to the bedroom door on the balls of his feet.

Neil had to swallow, before placing a hand on the knob, which was _stupid_. He was sure his mother would be turning in her grave had she made it to one. Neil had talked his way out of situations so much more severe than convincing his roommate to leave so he could fool around with his boyfriend.

If that was the word. They talked more about this, and it was a _this_ now, but that word still hadn’t come up in their dialogue. Neil sure thought about the word a lot, though.

Boyfriend.

That wasn’t the point, now. No matter what Andrew was to him, Neil needed him on top of him _now_ which meant he had to communicate with Kevin Day. It was never the easiest thing.

Neil, still without a solid plan, opened the door and opened his mouth anyway. Which he was starting to get a lot better at. Nobody but Andrew was a big fan of it, however.

“Hey, Kevin,” he started, a casual grin forced across his face as he turned to the lower bunk. Kevin used to have the upper one and Andrew the standalone bed. But after the third morning of waking to see Neil in Andrews bed, never once compromising mind you, Kevin had decided the cover of the lower bunk suited him more and demanded Neil to swap.

Neil was reminded of the transaction immediately, under Kevin’s utterly unimpressed stare. Like he could tell his tongue was in Andrew’s mouth just by looking at him. He hoped it was just Kevin’s worst-case-scenario thinking, and not like he had a visible boner or anything. But Kevin _snarled_ and Neil wasn’t so sure. Neil opened his mouth, but Kevin held out a flat hand. “Don’t.”

He didn't expound, rather he stomped to his desk and twisted the knob on the radio so hard Neil thought it would snap. His warpath lead from his bed to his desk, scooping up his laptop. Kevin tossed his earbuds that were on top of it to the wall and made a big show of grabbing his noise-canceling headphones. He stomped all the way to the counter of their kitchenette and hopped on a stool, back facing to them. He didn’t even so much as glance at Andrew. Neil waited in the bedroom for Andrew. He knew he should be slightly embarrassed - or regretful or something. But at this point, Neil almost got the same enjoyment out of pissing off Kevin that Andrew did. Almost.

And even if he didn’t, the grin that Andrew sauntered in with was worth it anyways. Neil wondered exactly when Andrew became okay with people being aware of them, as a this, as he closed the door behind him. “Where are we gonna go first?” Neil asked as if he just uprooted Kevin to play travel agent. He didn’t miss Andrew roll his eyes as he puffed himself up to approach Neil.

“Josten, if you even think of anywhere outside my bed, you’re even dumber than I thought.” Andrew pressed a finger into Neil’s chest, and Neil submitted, falling over into Andrew’s crumpled Navy comforter.

“You know this isn’t the only bed we can do this in. There are all kinds of beds, all over the world. It doesn’t even need to be a bed you kno-”

“Stop talking.” Andrew cut him off, crawling on top of Neil and muting any complaints with a kiss. Andrew kissed with intensity, straddling Neil with his hands wrapped around his biceps. He kissed with a ferocity that Neil knew his words crawled under Andrew’s skin and directly into his bloodstream. His pupils dilated when he looked at Neil in a way that Cracker Dust never did.

Neil wanted to think about the future, about all the places they could go and all the things they’d get to see. But with Andrew’s words echoing in the back of his head, he was acutely aware of the dorm’s popcorn ceiling, the lingering scent of old coffee, and the vibrations of Andrew that rattled from his lips all the way down his spine. He threaded fingers up to Andrew’s hair again, dragging him as close as his body would yield, and hummed approval into his mouth. There was no way Neil could be anywhere but here.


	2. Trip One: Snowshoe Mountain

Neil already knew where he wanted his first trip to be. Well, almost. He knew he wanted to go _somewhere_ with everyone before the upperclassmen graduated. He didn’t narrow down the specifics, but he kept an ear out for every conversation for a hint to figure out the perfect getaway. It was easy to rule out more outlandish choices, despite Nicky insisting that Hawaii was more than reasonable and Allison chiming in about all the luxury resorts her family had shares in. And while maybe they all deserved a little bit of spoiling after their year, a resort really didn't feel right. It didn't feel _Foxes._ None of his ideas really felt ‘right’. And he furrowed his brow as he jabbed his pen at the short list as if it would help it make any more sense.

The thumping knock on the door was exactly the excuse he needed to stop thinking so hard about something that probably didn’t warrant the effort. Neil opened the door to Nicky armed with an ear to ear smile, and a sweating shopping bag. Neil could see all of Nicky’s favorite flavors of ice cream through the plastic.  
  
“Sup.” He lifted his hand with the bag in it to give Neil a makeshift wave. “I wanted to know if you and Andrew wanted to hang out with me. Aaron and Matt are out being straight somewhere, and I don’t think I can take another minute of Princess Kevin’s reign. I don’t get why he’s riding our asses so hard, the season is _over_ . I swore Andrew was gonna give him a ‘skiing accident’ before practice was over today.”  
  
“Skiing.” Neil murmured, unable to keep the corners of his mouth from curling into a wry smile. “It’s perfect.” Neil brushed right past Nicky with just a light tap to his shoulder as a goodbye.  
  
“Aw, no, where are you going! You can’t abandon me, we gays have to stick together!” Only the rustling of plastic let Neil know that Nicky was flailing where he left him. “Solidarity, Neil! Solidarity!”

Neil couldn’t shake amused grin off of his face as he dug out his phone from his pocket and jammed his thumbs to tap out a message as he walked.  
  
_Allison you got a minute? I need travel advice_

* * *

It took Allison all of maybe forty minutes tops to find what she assured was the _best_ mountain in the area and book an entire townhouse to accommodate them all comfortably. What took significantly longer, was the two of them arguing about who was going to foot the bill. Neil had every intention of making this his treat from the jump - it was supposed to be his thank you and goodbye wrapped together in not so many hard words. Allison wasn’t about to let him put himself out. It took only two hours of debating to come to the conclusion of letting Neil pay for Andrew’s lot, and her the upperclassman. It wasn’t what Neil wanted, but he wasn’t sure he could’ve convinced her otherwise. 

He was sure he could’ve figured out something to do with the spare thousands of dollars. He might need it to bribe friendship for everyone crammed in Andrew’s Quattroporte. No one was having any of Nicky’s “friendly banter,” Aaron was adding barbs to set the both of them off, and Kevin was being particularly difficult.

Kevin was usually a silent at worst travel partner, but all his complaints today made Neil nearly regret planning a trip for his own closure. He was never happier to see Allison’s Porsche pulled up to a snow bank.

Neil wasn’t sure if it was the crisp the mountain air paired with the altitude change or just the tension flooding out of the car doors, but the deep inhale he took gave him a head rush. Once he found his footing, there was a smile spread on his face like he just shot a game-winning buzzer beater.  
  
“Easy trip?” Matt walked up with a wave, shrugging a duffle over his arm. Behind him, Dan and Renee were pulling suitcases out of the trunk. They must have just arrived minutes ago.  
  
“Driving? Sure.The company,” Neil trailed off, shooting a side eye to the four boys trying to un-Tetris Kevin’s ‘efficient packing’ in an effort more like an aborted Three Stooges sketch. “Could’ve been better.” Matt grinned, clapping a hand on his shoulder.  
  
“Don’t let your man hear you say that. Oh, speaking of-” Matt stuck his tongue through his teeth, as he rifled through his jeans pockets with cumbersome gloved hands to pull out a key card and handed it to Neil.  
  
“Allison booked us with 5 rooms. This is for you and Andrew.” Neil took the card with a hesitant hand.  
  
“We don’t need our own room if we don’t have space. This is a team trip.” There was a lot more Neil wanted to add. He didn’t like being looked at like a package deal with Andrew. He knew Andrew liked it even less.  
  
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I’d fight tooth and nail to have my room with Dan.” There was a layer of wistfulness in Matt’s voice that made Neil shiver in his parka. He planned this trip because the sands in the hourglass were running out, but Neil hated being forced to count them. He couldn’t even envision The Foxes without Dan Wilds leading the pack. Neil would miss her, obviously, but he had no idea where Matt was at. He thought about saying something comforting, saying anything. Instead, he kept his mouth in a tight line as he looked at his shoes.  
  
“I’m not trying to be a bummer. I’m just happy to be here is all. But if I get all sappy drunk you _need_ to knock me out, okay?” Matt smiled, and it still seemed sad. Neil let him pretend and smiled back. He grabbed the keycard tight in his hand and thought of the ridges of Andrews keys.  
  
“What is taking you guys so long?” Allison groaned, stomping in high heeled snow boots, which Neil didn’t even know were a thing and didn’t fully understand. “I want to be able to hit up the spa once we get to our townhouse. If I don’t get some TLC I won’t be able to keep up with you alcoholics tonight. So let’s move it!”

Everyone muttered but hauled their things as Allison lead them down a freshly shoveled walkway bookended with snow banks high enough to force them into a single file.  
  
Dan huffed, as Allison yelled more orders to direct the team through the winter wonderland, and got particularly boisterous as the quaint village lodging drew into focus.

“I think Wymack missed a real opportunity,” she said in hushed tones, craning her head behind her to look at Matt. “She would’ve been drill sergeant of a captain.”  
  
“Could you imagine,” Matt chuckled. “She might be hard but she’d probably cancel practice if it was too humid for her hair. I think he picked the right one for the job.” Matt hesitated a beat. “And the prettiest.”  
  
“Don’t be such a dork.” She play-hit Matt, with sunny laughter in a timbre Neil wasn’t tuned for. Matt leaned down for a closed mouth kiss, and Neil had to keep his eyes to his shoes again. It felt like something he wasn’t meant to see, despite it being broad daylight and barely two feet away from him.

Be cool, Josten.

“You don’t think I’m gonna be the prettiest captain? I’m wounded.” Neil added, earning himself a much uglier laugh from Dan. Neil liked it a lot better.  
  
“Sorry, Neil. Personal bias.” He turned to grin apologetically at Neil.  
  
“Blatant favoritism,” Neil said, voice a little more distant than he meant. They still laughed, before getting distracted by their arrival and Allison demanding attention to play tour guide.  
  
Neil felt his feet dragging a bit, a little uneasy. He only found the strength to catch up by shoving his hand in his pocket and gripping his key card so hard it’d surely leave an indent in his palm.

* * *

Skiing, turned out, was not easy. They took a group crash course for the basics. They all took slow zigzags down the bunny slope, adjusting form parallel to wedges in vague unison like the sloppy first run of some synchronized routine. Neil was completely worn out by the end of their hour, more so in mind than body. It’d been a long time since he had to train himself to something so new and unnatural. 

  
He pulled off his goggles at the bottom of the slope with a sigh. He knew this was just the beginning, but a large part of him was ready to go back to their lodge and flop into bed. Andrew zoomed toward him, skidding to a precise stop, inches in front of Neil and it did nothing for his mood.  
  
“You have no business being good at skiing.” Neil groaned. Andrew lifted his blue tinted goggles to give Neil an uninterested look.  
  
“It’s just balance and shifting muscle groups. Basic. Boring.”  
  
“Maybe for you.” Neil sighed, already feeling defeated by the experience he not only opted into - but bankrolled. He couldn’t mope for long. He was literally pulled out of it as Andrew grabbed him by the elbow and yanked him to his body. Neil had to choke down a yelp in surprise as his face was all but forced into Andrew’s neck.  
  
Not that ever needed coaxing.  
  
Before Neil could even think to ask Andrew what was going on he heard the light plop of a ski pole piercing the snow where he once stood, like a javelin. Neil quickly traced it’s trajectory to a faraway Kevin Day, flat on his ass and flushing pink as a flower bloomed too soon in the lump of winter snow. He felt Andrew’s snort vibrate in his throat, like an alarm warning him that he needed to take a socially acceptable step away.  Helping Kevin up was as good as an excuse as any, so Neil waddled on over.  
  
“Skiing is hard.” Neil commiserated, as he reached out a mittened hand.  
  
“Skiing is asinine.” Kevin retorted, brushing the snow off his thighs and butt as he stood before fishing out his other ski pole buried under the snow.  
  
“You’re the one who wanted to go.”  
  
Kevin scoffed as he slowly struggled over to his other pole, being leaned on by an ever-so-slightly bemused Andrew. Kevin probably couldn’t even notice a fraction of a smile, only reading a higher-than-thou disinterest on his face.  
  
“It must be rough. Having to do something you're not a savant at,” Andrew said dryly. Kevin responded by snatching his ski pole out of Andrew’s hands.  
  
“It’s not that,” He muttered, defeat seeping into the words despite them.  
  
“Well then, you better get ready for the slopes. The press is gonna want this heartwarming story of you finding the strength to hit the trails again. A Hero; so stunning, so brave.” Andrew rested a hand against both of their backs, leading them away from where they stood. Maybe it was all the time they gave their back to him, maybe it was habit - but Neil and Kevin walked.  
  
It took until the lift came into view hidden behind snow-capped pines, that Neil realized what was going.  
  
“Wait, Andrew.” he started, faltering awkwardly in his skis. “I’m not ready for this, I barely made it down the beginner hill, I need to practice or I could hurt myself.” Neil could see Kevin go rigid at the word _hurt._ And then it all made sense.  
  
“You’ll never learn if you don’t try. We learned all that safety garbage in that course, I think a couple of star athletes can handle a green circle trail.” There was the slightest lilt in Andrew’s voice - and it had Neil entirely distracted. Any protests were quickly buried under the glint in Andrew’s eyes. Neil was quick to think of Old Andrew, and his medicated mania - but it wasn’t quite that. It felt organic, and it left Neil speechless. He stared at his maybe-boyfriend like he was a rare earth crystal glittering like a beacon in the snow.  
  
Which is probably why he didn’t notice he was being shoved into a chairlift until his skis were off the ground. Neil bit his lip to keep from squawking and turned to Kevin who was so stiff he might as well been a statue carved in his likeness. Perfect.  
  
Neil turned to Andrew who gave him his two fingered salute, before gliding away carefree. Neil wanted to be mad, but with a flick of a smile and gleam of Andrew’s eyes blinding his thoughts it was markedly more difficult than it should be - he could deal with it later.  
  
“We’ll be fine,” Neil stated, which earned a visible twitch from Kevin. “You’re not going to get hurt. We’ll take our time. You won’t get hurt.” He thought Kevin needed to keep hearing it - but it only seemed to frustrate him every time Neil said the word.  
  
“You won’t be much use of a captain if you break your goddamn leg.” Kevin’s words were weaponized. Sharp - but only as a means for self-defense. A language Neil was as fluent in as his German, or French.  
  
“It’s a snowy hill, Kevin. We’ll survive.” Neil crammed his own worries deep into his gut to keep his tone steady. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince himself, or Kevin at this point. He wasn’t sure the cases we all that different. “Riko hurt you. Not Skiing.”  
  
Kevin bit back a gasp, and Neil got it. Sometimes he woke at night because of a too-vivid image of Riko’s brains unrecognizable splattered against glass, or the brick ceiling of evermore and what he could only guess were Japanese obscenities.  
  
“You need to go down. You can handle it.” They both knew they weren’t talking about skiing anymore. But Neil would allow Kevin privacy to unpack his trauma at his own pace. They were all doing better, but it was always going to be an uphill battle. He just hoped he could collect some part of himself before the fast approaching end of the lift, and the much more literal downhill battle. Kevin's jaw was so tight he must be grinding down his teeth, and Neil could only assume his knuckles were white under his Thinsulate gloves.

“You have complete control here. Only you can sabotage this.” Neil said. Kevin grunted in disapproval. 

  
“And you’re gonna be captain.”  
  
“Like you’ve said a positive thing in your entire life. Are you gonna get off the chair or not?”  
  
Without another word, Kevin lifted off, and slid down the ramp. He stopped too short and fell - but he was okay.  
  
Neil thought he was okay too, as he hopped off to help pick Kevin up.

* * *

After they made it down the mountain, slow and clumsy, Kevin had the fortune to find a reporter. He set aside all of his petulance to give them his heart melting camera smile, and a bouquet of lies about what a fun time he was having. Neil wasn’t sticking around for the bullshit- but deep down he couldn’t help but feel comfortable, like sinking into his mattress with the white noise of his and Andrew’s snores. Kevin's media bullshit was at least a sign of him functioning properly.

Neil paused at the lift, his eyes tracing the cars as he debated another trip down. He found his footing going down at Kevin speed, and he was starting to really enjoy himself near the end. He wondered how thrilling it would be with nothing but blustering fresh mountain air and the hiss of his speed against worn snow. Everyone was probably out enjoying the trails to some capacity - so one more round wouldn’t hurt. He hopped back on, feeling much more comfortable between the worn vinyl and steel frame.

Neil could see the appeal of skiing, now. It was fast and finessed, and gave Neil a head rush of runner’s high muddled with something stronger he wasn’t as well acquainted with. The deluge of endorphins was one of Neil’s absolute favorite feelings.  
  
It was no Exy, though.  
  
And definitely no Andrew.  
  
Neil completely forgot he was supposed to be mad at him. He was reeling from his flight down, his head still felt at the top of the mountain with the thin air. He just noticed his ski poles rattle with shivering hands. He didn't even notice until now that he was cold. He turned toward the rental store, ready to get his feet back on the ground.

He ran into Nicky peeling off his own skis with all the dramatics expected, with a muted Aaron to his side. 

“I have no idea how anyone is into this cold shit. If I was out there for even a MINUTE more I swear my dick was gonna freeze off. Erik would be so pissed.” Nicky shivered head to toe, more theatrical than anything since he was right under a heat lamp. Aaron made a disapproving grunt, but otherwise kept his gaze down and fussed with the buckles of his boots.  
  
“I need hot chocolate nice and Irished up. Actually, can we just microwave Baileys? I just wanna be warm and drunk.” Nicky grunted as he traded his ski boots for snow boots, standing only to lean against his Skis. Neil clicked the bindings of his own boots off.  
  
“Skiing was pretty fun, though,” Neil said, walking down the line to his locker to trade out his own boots. “It’s fast.”  
  
“God, you have such a one track mind.” Nicky groaned and rolled his eyes. “We can have fun that isn’t a race. Ooh, ooh, we should do Never Have I Ever later. I have some bets I could reallllly use the money for.”  
  
“The last thing we need is an excuse for you to talk about your sex life.” Aaron elbowed Nicky, duffel over his arm,  eyes scanning the resort map in his hands. “Don’t be gross. Let’s go and get regular drunk.”  
  
Aaron started walking without looking up from his map. Neil and Nicky followed without complaint.

“No one ever wants to get weird drunk.” Nicky pouted. He brightened right back up  when Neil asked about what trails he went down, and if he got to spend time with everyone. Nicky, despite the cold and general outdoors, had a pretty good time. He told Neil in hushed tones he caught Aaron taking an honest to god selfie to send to Katelyn and was planning on holding it over him for basically the rest of his life. Dan and Matt were apparently naturals, and Renee swapped between trailing down the most scenic routes with Allison and chatting with Andrew on the smoking balcony with some spiced cider.  
  
“Andrew didn’t ski?” Neil asked, realizing his confusion was probably foolish.  
  
“I thought he was with you.” Nicky shrugged. “I think he went down some the smaller slopes with Renee, but he probably got bored. You know how he is.”  
  
Neil hummed, but he was still confused. Andrew picked up skiing faster than any of them. Neil could easily see him tackling the slaloms of a black diamond fairly competently, and he’d probably find entertainment in it than the meandering loops of the sightseeing trails Renee seemed to be frequenting.  
  
“It’s about time!” Neil’s attention immediately snapped up to Dan, waving from the hot tub on the deck of their townhouse. She was draped over Matt’s shoulders, next to a perky Renee and Allison sunk so far into the water all Neil could see was oversized sunglasses and a messy bun. Neil hadn’t realized they walked so far that they were back already. He shook his head, thinking he used to be so much sharper than this. He tried to stuff down the twinge of guilt from letting his guard down so he could match Dan’s megawatt grin. “You took so long we started drinking without you!”  
  
Nicky actually gasped.  
  
“Danielle Wilds you traitorous bitch!” Nicky laughed, as he started into a jog to assumedly make up for precious lost time.  
  
Neil took his time walking with Aaron, completely distracted with his phone. In the glow of the artificial blue light, Neil caught him smiling. Between the ambient chatter of their raucous teammates, it was the most comfortable Neil had ever been next to Aaron. The mood stayed with them, even after they silently parted ways at the door. It left Neil with an easy smile.

And smiles were never easy for him.

Neil couldn’t shake it, infectious like the syrupy whiskey everyone was downing. 

He went to go perch on the edge of the hot tub, to listen to alcohol fueled excitement of everyone's day. Neil almost felt like he couldn’t keep up with the fizzy conversation, when a cold rocks glass was pressed against his cheek. He blinked and turned up to a bored Andrew, in his light jacket despite the weather. Neil curled his fingers around the glass, and he could feel the same smile spread again.  
  
“Thank you,” he said. Andrew turned away without a word, to sprawl over an oversized patio chair and watch smoke crawl up to the stars beginning to peek through the twilight burned sky.  
  
Neil forgot he was supposed to be mad, again.  
  
Neil decided to get up and follow, ignoring all the jeers from Nicky, and the drunken giggles of some of the more far gone foxes. He made sure to down his whiskey in a fluid gulp, shuddering as it warmed him from the core of his chest. He hoped he wasn’t flushed, as he stood right in front of Andrew.  
  
“I heard you had quite the time down the Mountain,” Andrew said. Neil couldn’t quite read the tone, listless and not entirely ingenuine.  
  
“I didn’t like the start of it,” Neil spoke plainly.  
  
“But it turned out fine.” Andrew lifted his arm to the deep purple of the sky, glowing cherry like a too close star. “Kevin got his redemption story. I’m sure housewives are crying as we speak. I hope I get writing credits for the Lifetime special of such a heartwarming true story. And you found another one your many talents. Sounds like everyone's a winner. Do I get a prize?”  
  
“You didn’t do anything.” Neil plucked the cigarette out of his fingers and took a drag. Neil wrinkled his nose a little. Andrew smoked the black back of American Spirits, and the smell was too strong for Neil's taste.

“Kevin did all the damage control. I had fun skiing when it was my choice. Your meddling wasn’t going to change the outcome.” Neil sucked the cigarette to the filter, before dropping to the deck and snuffing it out under his foot. Andrew stood, shooting Neil a cold glare, and Neil couldn’t see his mouth past the puff of cold air from his nostrils. 

  
“I’m getting another drink,” Andrew declared but didn’t move to walk away. He kept his eyes sharp, scanning Neil like there was a hidden message in his blank expression. Neil waited, staring back at him. The cool tones of night made his hazel eyes look black and glossy. It reminded Neil of opalescent oil slicks and the and the guilt their rainbows stirred in his gut.  
  
“Do you want one?” Andrew asked, in an exhale. Neil found his smile again and shook his head.  
  
“I want to be good. I’m hoping it’s a yes tonight.”  
  
Andrew paused on his way to the kitchen but didn’t turn back to Neil. He must have known Neil was watching him because his motions were slow and deliberate as he made his way inside. He stopped at the sink, before making a big show of throwing not just his, but Neil’s glass into the sink with a sharp staccato clatter. Everyone near jumped out of their skin and tried to trail the rolling storm from Andrews retreating form to Neil- alone and static, hanging under the night sky. They all had question marks in their eyes, silent except for the muffled roar of hot tub jets. They scrunched their faces in different angles, and Matt was the first to speak up.  
  
“Uh, did you guys fight or something?” He asked, just loud enough so Neil could hear as he walked toward them. Neil was sure his wry smile wasn’t helping their confusion one bit.  
  
“Something like that.” He said. No one questioned him, at least out loud, as he picked up speed to chase Andrew down.

* * *

Andrew was sitting at the end of their bed, bare toes barely touching the shiny walnut floors as he peeled his armbands off and placed them gently to the corner of the bed. 

“Hey.” Neil locked the door behind him with a heavy click. He padded over to Andrew, threading his fingers through Andrew’s hair like he was weaving delicate threads of silk. Andrew returned his tenderness by digging his nails into Neil’s hips and dragging him as close as their positions would allow. He tilted his head up, and Neil didn’t waste any time to lean over and kiss him. Maybe it was their tension from before, or Neil’s work in progress flirting, but Andrew was keyed up and he showed it in tight squeezes and nips at his bottom lip. Neil’s hands were shaking in Andrew’s hair before long, breath labored whenever Andrew gave him a chance to breathe. Andrew was scooting to the very edge of the bed, radar eyes on Neil’s crotch, biceps flexing as he gripped the footboard.  
  
“Wait wait,” Neil panted, twisting his grip a bit in Andrew’s hair. Andrew hissed, but there was color in his cheeks. “I don’t want to, yet.”  
  
Andrew’s breaths were even and measured, but moved his whole body. His unease was thick in the air like his cigarette smoke.  
  
“I just want to kiss more. Then we can, you can-” Neil dragged his nails up and down Andrew’s scalp, even though his feathery tufts of blonde were ticklish on his knuckles. Neil could feel the shot of whiskey low in his belly and hot in his heart swirled with the unusual amount of sentimentality he was dealing with. The chemical reaction of it all unlocking parts of himself he never got a chance to know.  
  
“Can I be on top?” It came out more childlike than Neil meant it, like a kid asking their mother for an extra desert - whatever normal kids asked for. Andrew went stone stiff at the pop of p. He lifted his head up to Neil, slow and forced like rusted machinery.  
  
“If you think you’re going to fuck me-”  
  
“No!” Neil yelled, moving his hands off Andrew as if he burned himself. “No, Andrew, god, no.” Neil’s heart was a coke-addled hummingbird trapped in his chest. Andrew reached out his hands to Neil’s, with the private tenderness he seldom showed, and brought them back to his mussed hair.  
  
“Neil.” He cradled a hand around Neil’s chin, forcing his gaze.  
  
“Sorry.” Neil exhaled, evening out his breathing. “I meant - for kissing.” He didn’t want to sound so defeated, but the misstep did a number on his ego. He’d probably to take longer to get over it than Andrew. Neil let his stare stay a little melancholy, staring at Andrew through his lashes. Andrew stayed tight-lipped, but eyes appraising.  
  
“We can do that.” The words came out like wet cement, smoothed into shape with his tone. Neil had to blink a few times, to make sure there were no cracks in Andrew’s expression as he said it. “Yes, Neil.”  
  
“Okay. Just..let me know if it’s too much, okay?”  
  
Andrew scooted backward, letting Neil straddle him. It wasn’t hard to hover over Andrew just by keeping his thigh muscles tight. Neil kept his hands cradled behind Andrew's head, and let Andrew slot his mouth over his. Neil wanted to blame his shaking legs on skiing, but he knew the kind of effect Andrew had on him.  
  
Andrew kept his mouth glued to Neils, like he needed his air to live, and dragged his hands up Neil’s back to pull him down gently by his shoulders on top of him.  
  
Neil was pressed right against Andrew, and he thought he might lose his damn mind. He was getting light headed between his sheer body heat, the powdery scent of Andrew's shampoo and the tiny little whine Neil could hear in the very back of his throat. It was way more intoxicating than anything the whiskey could offer him. Neil wanted a ton more of it.  
  
Neil pressed down with more frantic kisses, letting his knees buckle so most of his weight laid on Andrew's thighs. But the hand that rucked up his shirt went stock still and Neil pulled back to look at Andrew. His eyes were cloudy and his expression was markedly somewhere else.  
  
“An-”  
  
“Stop.” The words were a warning shot, and Neil knew better than to stay put. He scrabbled of Andrew, gripping his fists and kneeling next to the nightstand. Andrew was breathing too shallow, too fast for his molasses movements to sit up. He balled up his fists and slammed them against his thighs with a grunt. It took all of Neil’s restraint not to reach out to him. Andrew bent his left leg at the knee, hesitant like a cat wary of its surroundings before slid off the opposite side of the bed an rose to a stand.  
  
Once Andrew seemed confident in moving, he snatched up his armbands, cell phone, and cigarettes. He didn’t give Neil a second glance as he stormed out the room so fast he didn’t even bother with slamming the door.  
  
Neil stood with a sigh, and closed the door to just a sliver, and hit the lights. He toed his way back to bed in the dark, cautiously as to not run into something, and crawled into bed without so much as taking off his pants. Neil wasn’t tired, and even if he was he wouldn’t get a wink of sleep. So he just lay, eyes closed, waiting to feel the dip of the mattress and know that Andrew was okay.

* * *

The next morning things seemed fine. Andrew came back at some odd hour where it wasn’t pitch dark, but not quite light. Neil feigned sleep, and Andrew let him.

Sun streamed through their window so bright it made the inside of Neil’s eyelids glow orange, and he pouted at the intrusion. 

Andrew must’ve used the sign of life as the ok for a good morning kiss.  
  
And it was much more than ok.  
  
Andrew moved Neil’s hands to his shoulders, and Neil wasn’t sure if it was an I’m sorry or I’m okay or him just trying to prove one or the other. But Neil slid his hands back up to his hair, and punctuated their make out session with a closed lip kiss before pulling away and sliding off the bed. There was some rustling downstairs, dragging footsteps and groans that made the cabin seem like it was infested with zombies rather than athletes.  
  
Extremely hungover athletes.

Andrew grunted a bit as Neil went to the dresser to exchange out his close for something less stale and slept in, but made no move to get himself out of bed. Neil turned to him once he had his shirt on.  
  
“Get some more rest. I’m gonna help...everyone, probably, make breakfast. Pancakes or waffles?”  
  
“French toast.” Andrew muttered into his pillow.  
  
“Waffles it is.” Neil ignored Andrew’s complaints as he padded his way downstairs, making extra care that his footfalls weren’t too heavy to give his teammates as much respite as he could while they recovered.  
  
And boy did they need it.  
  
They all crowded around the breakfast nook, all of them looking like death warmed over - other than a perky Renee brewing some much needed coffee. Dan and Matt looked like they were contemplating the validity of their very existence, Allison was wearing sunglasses, and barely upright. Nicky and Aaron weren’t EVEN upright, Aaron with his head on the table, and Nicky hogging the bench with a bucket near his head.  
  
This was a new low, even for them.  
  
“Hungry?” Neil offered, and they perked up like labradors at the word ‘walk’.  
  
“Toast,” croaked Matt, with Dan nodding feebly in agreement.  
  
“Bacon. All of it. This isn’t even a joke I’m pretty sure I need it to live.” Nicky reached out an arm for dramatic effect.  
  
“Eggs Florentine?” Allison offered. Neil thinned his eyes and she groaned, head back on the table. “Just eggs. However, I don’t even care.”  
  
Neil nodded and turned to Renee in the kitchen.  
  
“You handle coffee and toast for everyone? I’ll man the stove.” Renee gave him a bouncy nod, as she pulled out mugs careful enough to not have them clatter against each other.  
  
“Should I start batter for Andrew?” She asked. Neil nodded, silently thankful that the only other functional human being was also the only person that didn’t judge their relationship or anything about Andrew.  
  
With prescription caffeine, and so much greasy breakfast food it’d put Wymack in an early grave - the Foxes were mostly functional. Nicky only puked once, but it was before he ate so at least Neil’s efforts didn’t go to waste. Andrew joined them once they were back to their rowdy selves, cutting into his waffles as if they wronged him.  
  
After a lot of excuses to procrastinate, and some time to let all that extra Advil kick in, they lazily got dressed and ready to hit the slopes again. Even Kevin trudged on without a fight, though Neil wasn’t sold on if he would do any actual skiing. He hoped that Andrew had his fun with him, and, maybe, Neil could have some fun too  
  
Everyone split into small groups once they got to the mountain, Matt and Dan eager to try some more challenging trails, Nicky dragging Aaron to the other side of the mountain he hadn’t seen yet, and Allison asked Renee to help her take some shots of her in a new, pastel snowsuit. Apparently, she made it, and Neil didn’t know anything about making clothes but it seemed impressive. Kevin, not surprisingly, seemed quite content with sports news in the lodge. More surprisingly, he seemed just as occupied with his cell phone as he did with the Florida State game on the wall mounted flat screen. Maybe he was talking shop with Thea. Maybe even Wymack. The mere idea of it made Neil twinge, like a diamond chip of hope was lodged into his heart. It burned - but perhaps Neil could learn to live with it.  
  
Andrew, with eyes half-lidded in apathy, motioned to follow Kevin. He moved less like a vigilant guard dog he used to be, and much more like a finicky cat that decided Kevin was worthy to be in his presence. Neil caught him by the sleeve. Andrew turned, hands shoved in his pockets, and raised an eyebrow.  
  
“I want to ski with you,” Neil said, keeping his face neutral. Andrew didn’t move, but his mouth twisted into a sour shape.  
  
“I don’t feel like it.” Andrew’s words had a gentle, glassy finish, but Neil could feel the undercurrent beneath.  
  
“Andrew,” Neil said. He kept his fingers tight around the nylon of Andrew’s jacket, so if he pulled away, Andrew would know how badly he wanted this.  
  
He didn’t move a muscle, though. There was ice in Andrews' eyes, and even though he was forcing Neil’s eye contact - he seemed incredibly far away.  
  
Until he was picked up by the scruff of his jacket like a kitten by a stone faced Kevin Day.  
  
“Stop fucking with me, Kevin. I will make every minute of your life a living hell if you don’t put me the fuck down.” Andrew snarled, but kept his voice a low rumble as he struggled in Kevin’s grip. Neil felt almost dumbfounded as he trailed after them. He wasn’t sure if it was a concern for Andrew, awe at Kevin’s newly grown spine he was still adjusting to, or the overall ludicrosity of the whole situation that dissolved any thoughts he had brewing his head into steam and evaporated.

It didn’t take long to get to to the ski lift, even with a struggling Minyard in his hands, Neil kept pace on Kevin’s side not really knowing what the right thing to do or say was. He knew Andrew would be absolutely pissed if Neil got in his way. He wasn’t Andrew’s keeper, and he wasn’t sure if Andrew would forgive him if he acted like it. 

“This seems extreme, Kevin,” Neil said, tone measured just so to seem nonchalant about the entire exchange.  
  
“It’s a taste of his own medicine, and a long time coming,” Kevin said, with the same preciseness as Neil that made him think that he was teetering the line of bravery and bravado more than he’d like to admit.

Neil made sure to get a head start, so he wouldn’t be caught off guard as Kevin plopped Andrew right in line with the approaching lift chair - and kept Andrew still and steady so he didn’t concuss himself at the swift approaching metal trying chase after Kevin. Everything happened so quickly and Neil let out a breath as he pulled down the safety bar, and turned to Andrew, face like a snarling bulldog and white as a sheet. 

“This _is_ exactly what you did to us,” Neil said.  
  
“Astute, Josten. I didn’t ask for commentary.” Andrew spat.  
  
“You seemed like a natural yesterday, I’m sure we can get down fine. And the lodge at the top has rentals, so gear won’t be an issue-”  
  
“It’s not the god damn skiing,” Andrew snapped. Neil closed his mouth, trying to keep his expression soft to contrast Andrew’s grinding teeth and visible veins in his neck. He opened his mouth, almost cautiously.  
  
“It’s not the heights, I’ve seen you fly.”  
  
Andrew flinched, and it stirred up worry in Neil’s gut.  
  
“We’ll only be on it for maybe 3 minutes, and it’s not nearly high as a plane. You’re much more anxious than usual.”  
  
“I’m not anxious,” Andrew said through grit teeth.  
  
“Okay, you’re panicking more than usual.”  
  
Andrew scoffed, and inhaled as much cold air as his body could hold, and held it at the bottom of his lungs until he couldn’t stand it any longer.  
  
“I’m afraid of heights because of what happens when you fall.” Andrew kept his eyes downcast, away from Neil, but enough to take in his surroundings.  
  
Neil didn’t understand. But he could tell from Andrew’s form, melting from rigidity to a form of defeat, that it was something important. It left Neil afraid, too. It seemed that he always learned important things about Andrew for the worst possible reasons.  
  
“We have to get off,” Neil stated, eyes fixed on the approaching ramp. “Can I hold your hand?”  
  
Andrew scoffed.  
  
“I’ll buy you hot chocolate. You can get extra of every topping.” Neil wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to smile, but he couldn’t help himself. Andrew made a noise that wasn’t quite petulant, but not necessarily combative.  
  
“Yes.” He said it begrudgingly and shoved his open palm at Neil. Neil slid his hand in, with a certain fondness that felt too private in the open air.  
  
“I’m going to lift the safety bar so we can hop off,” Neil said slowly, so Andrew could brace himself. He wasn’t sure why it surprised him that he squeezed Neil’s hand as tight as he could. Neil squeezed back.  
  
“Ready?”  
  
Andrew sucked in another breath. “Yes.” He exhaled.  
  
They hopped off, weightless, and slid down the snow to a gentle halt. They stayed hand in hand until they got into the lodge.

* * *

  
Andrew stretched Neil’s offer as far as he could. Hot chocolate, with marshmallows, extra whip cream covered in chocolate sauce and shavings. It turned Neil’s stomach just looking at. Neil ordered himself a plain black coffee, too weak for his liking, but just plenty soothing for his thawing insides.  
  
The lodge was so picturesque it felt like Neil had seen it before. It smelled of fresh cedar wood and pine, warm like the color of the cherry wood finished furniture. Andrew and Neil found a table by a fake electric fireplace, as private as they could muster in the bustling building. Neil watched the LED flames, dancing in uncanny uniform as he thought of how to start this conversation with Andrew.  
  
“I’ve skied before,” Andrew admitted from behind his mountain of whipped cream.  
  
Neil nodded, nursing his coffee.  
  
“I fell off the chair lift and broke my leg.” Andrew couldn’t keep his eyes with Neil anymore, tracing wood grain lines under the shiny resin finish of the table from knot to knot. “It was the first time I was raped. I can’t remember how many times it was. I couldn’t fight back.”  
  
Neil should’ve expected this. Anything that rattled Andrew was deeply rooted in tragedy and undeserved pain. It didn’t make it any easier for him to have to hear it, no matter how many times. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Andrew speak about it so plainly. Even in his desensitized and far away state Neil had never heard him say the ugly, rotted word.

Neil also remembered their night before, and how much weight was on Andrew’s legs. 

He winced. Andrew took an angry bite out of the whipped cream.  
  
“I understand that even if I was injured, you wouldn’t-” Andrew drew away like he’d hurt himself. “I wouldn’t be hurt again. The same consequences don’t exist anymore. Separating the correlation is...” Andrew trailed off. Neil had an almost too vivid image of Betsy Dobson in a nightgown, preparing a similar cup of hot chocolate with a cellphone cradled between her ear and shoulder.  
  
“It’s not easy,” Neil said. Andrew hummed, taking regular spoonfuls of the whipped topping and pulling his spoon out of his mouth clean.  
  
“Sometimes I can still smell the putrid sweat soaked plaster.” Andrew unearthed enough of the topping to actually take a sip of the hot chocolate.  “It’s fucking vile.”

“It’s over, now.” 

“Yeah.”  
  
They sipped their beverages, in a somber silence - but not uncomfortable. The air was warm, and the tinny crackle of the fireplace was comforting. Andrew stared at the photorealistic flames, but his eyes were distant and glossy.  
  
He was very much so here, and he looked like he accepted that.  
  
“How many times did Kevin fall yesterday,” Andrew asked, looking back to Neil.  
  
“I stopped counting after 10.”  
  
Andrew didn’t smile, but there was a flicker of amusement in his eyes.  
  
“I saw an article on some site this morning. He smiled like he was Bode Miller after he won a fucking gold medal. Not a child who slid halfway down the slope on his ass. He’s such a fraud.”  
  
“I’m not gonna be mad at him for stickin’ it to the Ravens, though,” Neil added.  
  
“Yeah.”  Andrew set down his empty cup with a hollow pop. “We’re gonna have to rent another pair of skis. What a pain.”  
  
“It won't be that much, I think we can return them at the main lodge. Maybe we can get a discount if we get there fast enough.” Neil took a long draught of his coffee, it was lukewarm and unpleasant in his throat.  
  
“Is this your flimsy way of asking me to race? You’re not clever.” Andrew flicked his cup, so it tipped over toward Neil, slowly rolling on its side.  
  
“I know. I’m stupid, remember. So are you gonna race me?” Neil’s smile crept like ivy up his face.  
  
“For someone who doesn't like losing, you’re sure adamant about this. You really are stupid.” Andrew stood up, picking up both his and Neil’s paper cups and started walking toward the rental shop on the other side of the lodge.  
  
“Cute and stupid at least?”  
  
“Fuck off, Neil.”

* * *

When they got back, Andrew didn’t even kick off his boots but rather trailed muddy slush up the stairs into their room. Neil got a sympathetic look from Matt and Dan, dutifully burning enough grilled cheese to feed a small army. Or at least some drunk athletes. It was probably interchangeable. Nicky was doling out mugs of Hot Toddies, and Neil decided to accept. He’d nurse for a few minutes and give the rest to Andrew. Which, Neil was sure was the question on most of their minds.  
  
Dan put the wooden spoon back in the giant pot of tomato soup to walk over to Neil, a little too close, for the illusion of some kind of privacy.  
  
“Are you still fighting?” She whispered. Dan’s ‘whispers’ were always loud enough for everyone to catch every last one of her syllables - but Neil appreciated the effort.  
  
“Nothing like that,” Neil said, pleasantly, tone as easy as the melting mozzarella on top of the soup. “We had a long day, he just needs to chill.”  
  
She nodded, with a small twisted smile with maybe confidence maybe pride. Something like the hair ruffle she gave her team after a sneaky goal. It gave Neil small hit of the high of victory.  
  
“You need help with dinner?” He asked, between sips of the syrupy whiskey.  
  
“Could you just grab Aaron and Kevin? We’re about done and they need to fucking eat before they get trashed. There’s a salad in the fridge if Kevin gives us a hard time about carbs,” Dan said, a little distant, peering over the stove. “Oh my god Matt, if you put that spoon back I swear to GOD.”  
  
Neil let them fight over whether or not a burner turned to high would be sterile enough to kill all of Matt’s germs as he fetched Kevin and Aaron from the porch, both of them separately glued to their phones, but easy to come at the promise of some food to sop up the drams of whiskey that was once sure in their now empty rocks glasses.  
  
Neil enjoyed the too loud room, everyone turning pink from the heat of the oven or the liquor or each other. The entire team was happy to laugh less about their ski day, and more about old memories. It was infectious - Neil was grinning ear to ear at the last blackened bite of his grilled cheese. He’d say he was sad to go, but Andrew was always the best thing to go back to. And maybe it was the oven, or the liquor, or everyone's candidness - but he let himself think about going back to Andrew again, again and again.  
  
He grabbed a grilled cheese off the counter and poured some more hot whiskey from Nicky’s kettle before heading out.  
  
“You’re leaving me _again?_ ” Nicky moaned, collapsing onto the table. Allison smacked him on the shoulder.  
  
“Don’t be mad cause you’re not getting laid.” she teased, before giving a studio audience wolf whistle that Dan, Matt, and even poor dejected Nicky joined in on.  
  
Neil let them, but kept his smile private as he padded out of the room.

* * *

  
Andrew had himself sprawled out on the bed, arms outstretched as far as they could to the ceiling with his phone in his hands so far away Neil wasn’t sure he could even read it.  
  
“I brought you a drink. And a sandwich.” Neil said, in lieu of hello. Andrew sat up but said nothing. Neil sat on the bed next to him, as he handed the sandwich over to Andrew, and watched him tear off a bite-sized corner to pop into his mouth. Andrew seemed almost hurried, unlike the almost methodical chaos he took apart his food with. Neil barely blinked, and Andrew was dusting crumbs off his hands and reaching for the warm  drink.  
  
“I’ve never had warm alcohol before. It’s pretty good.” Neil said. Andrew took a gulp of the hot beverage so long he had to come up for air.  
  
“I want to try again,” he said, setting the empty mug on their nightstand.  
  
“Skiing?” Neil asked. “I definitely won that race, but I’d be more than happy to beat you again tomorrow-”  
  
“No, moron. The thing we did last night.” Andrew still had his eyes on the empty mug.

Oh. _Oh._

“Are you sure, Andrew? We did a lot today.” Which was the kindest way Neil could compress Andrew’s emotional rollercoaster of a day, and the offset exhaustion to his face.  
  
Andrew stayed silent. Neil could tell he was biting the inside of his lip even though his face seemed blank on the outside. Andrew’s gaze dragged from the mug, through the ugly maze of plaid of the bedspread and back up to Neil’s face. He opened his mouth but paused before he spoke.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Neil moved with elegance, to wrap his fingers into Andrew’s hair, and methodically gave him closed mouth kisses, slow enough that Andrew could set the pace. Andrew’s tongue was in his mouth, almost cautious.  
  
This was new, for them.  
  
Hooking up might have been war for Andrew. He always started a fight with something to prove, and Neil didn’t mind him proving it again and again. It blew his mind every goddamn time.

But there was something about this that Neil knew was absolutely precious. Andrew was a diamond in his forceps, and Neil knew his value at first glance.

So they kissed. They kissed until they were both boneless, putty in each other's arms. Neil’s hands dipped to cradle Andrew’s face before traveling to his shoulders, featherlight.  
  
“Still yes?”  
  
Andrew nodded, before responding. “Yes.”  
  
The descent was slow, but Neil’s heart was pounding in his chest. It reminded him for a second of the sluggish chair lift trip they had earlier today. The pillow under Andrew’s head exhaled, as all the feathers were shoved to each corner. Even with the scowl on his face, the tinge of pink on under his skin softened all of his edges.  
  
He could be quite cute, sometimes. Neil was happy that was the last secret he’d probably have to keep.  
  
He leaned down to kiss Andrew again. He kept his core taut, to make sure all of his weight was up and off Andrew. He only got a few cues in the forms of taps on his inner thighs that he yielded to without missing a beat. It took some maneuvering to find an angle that was just so for them both, but the moment they did Andrew encouraged him with a bite on his bottom lip. Neil shivered, refusing to interrupt the kissing to make any kind of noise. By the time he was forced to come up for air Andrew’s hands were on the small of his back, and his jeans were so tight they hurt.  
  
Neil finally made a noise, a too high yelp, as Andrew swatted his hip lightly. “Hips up.”  
  
Neil complied, and his breath hitched at the metallic sound of the teeth of his zipper. They’ve messed around enough, at this point, that Andrew was starting to learn the all the little things he could do to unravel Neil. Andrew has the right angle of his wrist and the perfect amount of pressure from his thumb. He couldn’t tell if it was seconds or minutes before his breath started getting shorter and shorter.  
  
“Andrew.” Neil hissed in warning. Andrew didn’t slow down, it was hard to tell in Neil’s hazy state but he thought he might have even sped up.  His free hand was ready and waiting for Neil to completely surrender.

And he did, with a gasp. Neil’s head was overexposed, and it took all of his energy to keep his abdominals tight and arms from bucking in on themselves and crashing into Andrew.  
  
“You have to move, idiot,” Andrew grunted, eyes locked onto the mess cupped in his hands.  
  
Neil should’ve done something, grab a wet washcloth from their private bath, or at least at tissue from their nightstand. The mere thought made him light headed, and he toppled over on his back to Andrew’s left.  Andrew rolled his eyes, unimpressed with Neil’s bedside manner, as reached over Neil and snatched a handful of tissues for himself. Much like the act, clean up was quick and dirty. Andrew wadded up the gross tissue and tossed across the room into the wastebasket with finesse. When he was down with Neil again, but he couldn’t keep still. Neil could feel him shifting, ever-so-slightly. He was curling and uncurling his toes over and over, and biting the inside of his mouth.  
  
“Take care of yourself,” Neil whispered, still coming down from emotional headrush that laying with Andrew always gave him.  
  
Andrew opened his mouth on a protest that was still being put together in his brain. Neil shut him up with lips, and tongue, and nips on his mouth just like the ones Andrew liked to give him. He trailed the kisses down to his neck, giving it a languid lick that took Andrew’s breath away. Neil busied his hands in Andrew’s hair, tugging just a little bit to pull out those silent beats of breathlessness that told Neil he was doing something right. Andrew’s hands untangled themselves in  the collar of Neil’s shirt, and he didn’t look down to see that Andrew took his advice. His breathing was ragged and unsteady. Neil kept kissing, kept his fingers tight in Andrew’s hair, kept his pace steady. Neil waited, very patiently mind you, until Andrew’s breaths became so shallow he might as well be gasping. He sunk his teeth into Andrew’s neck, it was enough to startle him over the edge.  
  
Andrew was still shivering, so Neil pulled away. He leaned over and got some tissues ready and held them out without a word. Andrew’s eyes were gently shut, and he was trying to get his breathing in rhythm as he held his hands, shaking, away from his body. Neil knew better than to say a word. He dutifully kept the tissues in his hand until Andrew was ready to take them. Neil stretched out as Andrew scraped the tissue on his hand and tossed it to the wastebasket again.  
  
“Tired?” Neil asked, choking down his own yawn.  
  
“Mm.” Andrew nodded, hopping off the bed to peel off his clothes for something easier for sleep. Neil wasn’t sure he had the effort in him to move any of his limbs. He let his eyes slide shut, and only had the comfort of the veil of darkness for a split second before  a ball of cotton hit him square in the face.  
  
“Change. Your clothes are gross.” Andrew had his arms folded across his chest, the sleeves of his too large sleep shirt dangling from his slim arms.  
  
It was still odd, to change in front of Andrew, even with everything that happened. But Neil didn’t hesitate to swap his clothes out clumsily from his sitting position and awkwardly crawling under the duvet. Andrew hit the lights on his way back to bed, and Neil turned to him before he was even settled.  
  
“Hey.” He whispered, and he could feel Andrew’s eyes on him, even in the blanket of the dark. That one word had so many layers. It said things that Neil wasn’t sure he was ready to, or even fully understand. It said things Andrew didn’t need to hear, but Neil felt compelled to tell him. It was so much that could be bound by a tiny three letter word.  
  
Andrew heard it all though. He cradled Neil’s head in his hands and pressed the warmest kiss that responded just as loud.  
  
“Go to sleep,” Andrew whispered, his forehead pressed to Neils.  
  
“Yeah. See you in the morning.” Neil murmured, wanting to reach out a hand for Andrew as he retreated to his side of the bed.  
  
“Duh. I’m not going anywhere, moron.” Andrew grabbed a fistful of covers, to wrap under his body. Neil hoped they wouldn’t have to fight too hard for the warmth in the night.  
  
“Yeah.” Neil smiled. He wondered, exactly when it was he started to anticipate the rise of the sun and the start of another day, before shaking his brain clear of it. He didn’t have to worry through the night anymore, as long as he had the rhythm of Andrew’s breathing next to him.


	3. Trip Two: Folly Beach

The last thing Neil wanted to find at his dorm room door was a scowling Aaron Minyard. He didn’t even know how much he dreaded it until he was being stared down, like a lone gazelle in an open field. He gulped, tugging his backpack straps a little tighter.  
  
“Aaron.” Neil said, stiff and cordial. Aaron responded by shoving a pearly white envelope into Neil’s chest. Neil took the paper between his thumb and forefinger like it was courtroom evidence, carefully peeling back the flap with severe precision. He pulled out a sturdy piece of cardstock, embossed with a pattern of a few palm leaves, with dainty gold thermography lettering.

  
  
Please Join us

for the Wedding of  
  
Katelyn Williams

&

Aaron Minyard

 

Saturday, the Twenty-Fifth of July

At Two O’Clock in the Afternoon

  
The Tides Hotel

Folly Beach, South Carolina

 

“Married.” The wind was knocked out of him. Neil looked up to Aaron, already exhausted from a conversation that hadn’t even happened yet.  
  
“Her grandfather isn’t doing well. I was going to propose to her after finals, so we just expedited the process,” Aaron explained. He spoke the words uncomfortably calmly like he had chewed them up several times over and was nothing left to digest. He had that faraway look in his eye, though, that reminded Neil an awful lot of Andrew.  
  
“I mailed out the invites to everyone else, I’m only waiting on Renee’s response. And when I mean everyone, I mean except-”  
  
“He’s going to hate this.” Neil cut him off, like Andrew’s name would summon him.  
  
Aaron sighed and ran a hand through his tousled hair.  
  
“Look, Neil. I think I know better than anyone I can’t make Andrew do anything. But it’s important to Katelyn that my family is there. Nicky’s flying in early to help me with things. We’re working hard to make this.....”  
  
It wasn’t like Aaron to mince words, and the silence between them turned Neil’s stomach.

Neil looked up to meet Aaron’s gaze. He had bags under his downcast eyes so dark they looked like bruises on his pale skin. His clothes hung loose on him, dwarfing his compact frame to make him look almost frail. He had none of the presence that made men double his size think twice about messing with him.  
  
“I’m not asking you to make him come. I’m asking you to try and convey how much it means.”  
  
“To you or to Katelyn?” Neil asked, just to make Aaron say it. Aaron flared his nostrils and grunted a disapproving noise.  
  
“To me. I want my family there. All of it.”  
  
If you asked Neil two years ago if anyone with Minyard blood in them would refer to any of the foxes as family, even if he was a betting man, he knew the odds were against him. He felt something that made his throat tight, something swinging back and forth on the border of pride and disbelief. Not necessarily in Aaron, but at how much had changed in such a short time. How the worst thing that happened to him today was he thought his barista gave him decaf, and not a gun at his back or a knife at his throat.  
  
It left Neil with his heart beating double time, so hard he could feel it rattle his bones.

“I’ll talk to him.” He choked out, forcing every last nerve to keep still under Aaron’s narrowed eyes.  
  
“Thank you,” he exhaled. “Just let me know how it goes. I’m not going to bug you about it, I have too much to fucking do as is.” Aaron hiked his backpack higher up on his shoulder, and it sagged on his body far too full and heavy stretching at the seams.  
  
Neil just nodded, letting Aaron bowl his way down the hallway to clearly bigger and better things. Neil went into his dorm and let his frame melt once he realized he had the place to himself. Normally he had to stop himself from grinning ear to ear if Andrew got out of class early, but today he really needed the silence and room for his thoughts.

Neil crawled into his bed, face down in a pillow. He scrunched his eyes so tight it bent odd ethereal shapes into the darkness, the afterburn crept in the corner of his vision no matter where he looked.

Neil laid stock still in the dark and silence, trying to escape some awful shape of light that he wasn’t even sure was anything more than his brain playing tricks on him.  
  
He screwed his eyes shut again, knowing it wouldn’t do anything, and pondered if things really did change all that much.

* * *

Bringing it up to Andrew in any capacity without him storming off was going to be challenging to say the least.

But the only thing worse than that would be if he heard about the wedding from literally anyone else.  
  
So some scene setting was necessary. He told Kevin to fuck off for the remainder of the evening, which had even easier ever since he found a used condom slung over their wastebasket. Neil would chalk it up as a side effect of the comfort he just now realized he was adjusting to - but he doubted even at his most paranoid and observant if survival instinct could trump his Andrew instinct.

Neil would make same ‘careless’ mistake every time if it was for Andrew.

Kevin must’ve seen it in his eyes because if he even had the inkling that they might have sex he made himself scarce for a few hours.  
  
So, Kevin was out of the picture. Neil bought a pint of brownie batter ice cream that was nestled in the freezer. A fresh pack of American Spirits was on his window sill, the black ones. He even made sure he wasn’t wearing anything Andrew had mentioned he hated - it was an effort because Andrew hated a good portion of his wardrobe.  
  
All he had to do now, was wait.  
  
Waiting was excruciating.

Neil busied himself with his complex variable homework - but the equations were near cryptic with distracted thoughts of Andrew shoved between the intervals. He still tapped away at his calculator, trudging through the mathematical sludge at a torpid pace. He managed to get lost in the numbers long enough that the jangling of Andrew’s keys sounded like an alarm clock.  
  
Neil straightened his back against the slats of his chair and tried working through the math problems, but he lost any of the Calculus he learned over the years at just the thought that he was going to be under Andrew’s scrutinizing gaze in a moment.  
  
Neil didn’t say anything, eyes glued to his scrawled out calc. He heard the plop of Andrew hopping on to his desk, and then a curious silence.  
  
“You don’t like these,” Andrew said.  
  
Neil pried his eyes from his book up to Andrew dangling the carton of cigarettes in a way the sunlight caught the corners of the plastic like it was glowing.  
  
“They’re for you,” Neil said.

It was fairly obvious. Neil kept his dark green pack of American Spirits at the bottom of his backpack. Andrew would smoke anything, but he always made a comment about Neil’s taste for menthol. The crispy mintiness of them buried the acrid scent of burning that made him a little queasy.    
  
“What’s the occasion?” Andrew’s tone was soaked with boredom as he peeled the plastic away and forced up his window.

There was something soothing about the ambient campus chatter. It was so far away, it barely seemed on the same plane of reality as them. The soft orange glow of the afternoon painted their room in warm, oaky tones. It made the tile and wood laminate siding of their furniture seem less university standard and almost homey. It was something that only happened when Andrew smoked, and Neil’s sure that all the ambiance was from him, rather than the universe. Maybe Neil felt safe, in this liminal fleeting space of Andrew’s.  
  
“Aaron’s engagement.”  
  
Andrew took the cigarette from his mouth, and let it burn between his fingers and turned a machine gun stare to Neil.  
  
“And why would I want to celebrate that?”  
  
Neil bit the inside of his cheek. He wasn’t sure there was any string of words he could think up to change Andrew’s mind on the matter - but he needed to say something.  
  
“Well, I’m gonna go to the wedding,” Neil started, the disappointed noise Andrew made was audible even from where he was. “Nicky’s flying in, and it sounds like everyone else is going to be there too.”  
  
Neil hated that he felt like he had to explain himself. It’s not like Aaron and him were super close, though his outright dislike of him fizzled over the years. Neil’s sure Andrew’s had as well, if not just from all the therapy sessions together.  
  
Andrew hummed at Neil, smoking the rest of the cigarette to the filter before grabbing another one.  
  
“There’s ice cream if you want that instead.” Neil offered. Andrew was usually pretty good about not smoking cigarettes back to back anymore - saving them for when he ‘needed’ them. Andrew narrowed his eyes and Neil and put the smoke back in its carton.  
  
Neil pushed his chair back with a screech, and walked over to their kitchenette to grab the carton of ice cream and a spoon, bringing them both to Andrew at his desk.  
  
“Bribery doesn’t work on me.” Andrew reminded him, peeling back the protective film regardless.  
  
“It’s not a bribe. It was just to make the conversation easier. Cause I do want you to go, and all I can do is ask.” Neil leaned against the edge of Andrew’s desk, so they were almost shoulder to shoulder. “I wanted to bring my journal. It’s going to be on Folly Island, I’ve never been there before. It looks like fun.”  
  
Andrew scooped out a tiny spoonful of ice cream, and held the spoon in his mouth far longer than it took the ice cream to melt.  
  
“I don’t want to.” Andrew’s words were warped around the spoon in his mouth.  
  
“I know that.”  
  
“But I’ll think about it.” Andrew licked the spoon clean, and put the lid back on the ice cream. Neil stared at him, feigning neutrality.

Because Neil was absolutely stunned. Andrew Minyard wasn’t one to ‘think about things’. He knew exactly how he felt about anyone and anything right from the jump. Neil wasn’t sure if he should be ecstatic or terrified for his life.

“You made Kevin fuck off, right?”  
  
Neil nodded, perhaps too enthusiastic and eager, hopeful of the next question. He could use a distraction from the entire situation and, well hey.  
  
It’d be foolish to look gift alone time in the mouth.  
  
“Yes or-”  
  
“Yes.” Neil hissed, grabbing Andrew’s shoulders. He gave Andrew a hard kiss, sliding his hands from his shoulders to the back of his neck. Neil, slowly but surely, was learning where Andrew’s borders and boundaries lay. Step by step he’d offer Neil new territory, and Neil was finessed at staying within those lines. Neil dipped his hands slow, excruciatingly slow, down Andrew’s sides. The molasses pace took all of Neil’s concentration, but he wanted to make sure Andrew could grab his wrists if he decided no, today.  
  
Neil still got the static jolt of excitement that zipped down his spine when he was able to hold Andrew. The occasions were few and far between, and more and more these days Neil found more calm in the cheap detergent Andrew used than the minty burn of his menthols. It took a lot for Neil not to shove his face straight into Andrew’s chest and inhale him like some kind of designer drug. Neil didn’t know, that wasn’t his scene, but he was light-headed and all his neurons were firing in different directions to the point where he felt barely contained to his body.  
  
“You’re a mess.” Andrew pulled back, just far enough to tease. “An insatiable mess.”  
  
“Uhuh.” Neil panted as if he didn't hear a word Andrew said. “Can we go to bed now?”    
  
“Junkie.” Andrew quipped, but hopped off his desk and headed to their room for Neil to follow.

Neil wasted no time in doing so. He locked the door behind them, as Andrew shrugged off his jacket and tossed it onto Kevin’s bed. It was a dumb thing Andrew liked to do to get under Kevin’s skin. Kevin only recently stopped calling it a microaggression.  
  
Neil crawled onto Andrew’s bed, laid out and waiting. Andrew gave Neil an appraising look, raking his eyes all the way down his body. Neil didn’t move. He didn’t get into moods like this too often - He was more than happy to ask Andrew yes or no, or what he wanted. But sometimes he needed Andrew to take him apart, and a break from thinking too hard about anything.  
  
Andrew understood what Neil wanted. But was always smart enough to think if he needed it. Neil felt like he had fallen into a safety net when he finally felt the mattress dip. He sighed and eased into his breathing as Andrew crawled over him, and leaned down for a kiss.  
  
“You’re a piece of work,” he murmured, nose to nose with Neil.  
  
“Isn’t that part of my charm?” Neil smirked back at him, wrapping his hands around Andrew’s shoulders to pull himself up to get another kiss. He almost fell back down at the jangling of their doorknob, and an exasperated sigh.  
  
“Oh you have GOT to be kidding me. I was gone for three hours, guys. Fucking ridiculous.”

* * *

It had been a week, and Neil hadn’t RSVP’d to Aaron. He was running out of time. They all had finals looming around the corner, and that was more than enough was to turn Aaron’s sour demeanor rotten. Now his workload was quadrupled, and Neil didn’t want to even exchange pleasantries with him if he didn’t have good news.  
  
But on the other hand - if he brought this up to Andrew again he was sure it would push him further to make the decision not to go. Which was the only thing Neil REALLY wanted out of this - Andrew to be there with him. So he had to hold out.  
  
He really should’ve put more thought into his Differential Equations course than whether or not he’d have a wedding date. But with the season over, and ample time for scouting he had far too much room in his brain to keep his priorities too in line.  
  
When his phone lit up with a soft buzz, Neil was ready to snatch it and respond to whoever was texting him at what they liked to call _‘Allison Speed’_ . There were a few messages he needed to reply to - mostly upperclassman asking if they’d see Neil at Aaron’s wedding, but Andrew’s name was at the top with a quick and to the point request.  
  
_Pick me up from Reddin._  
  
Neil cocked his head at the LED screen in curiosity. The only reason Andrew would be at Reddin at this time of day was when he’d see Betsy. Neil didn’t think he had anything scheduled with her. Andrew was running out of time to spend with her, however. So maybe he was cramming in an extra session or two. It was all besides the point, though. He had to actually answer Andrew.  
  
_I’ll be there in 5._ _  
_ _  
_ Neil grabbed his jacket and fisted his hand in both pockets to check for his keys before jogging out his door to find Andrew’s car that he kept at the far end of the parking lot.

Neil wound through the serpentine campus roads casually, stopping too often for groups of students too burnt out to care about crossing the street in front of a car. Whatever. Neil used the excruciatingly long pauses to turn off the radio, fish Andrew’s cigarettes and lighter out of the center console and crack the windows _just enough_ for him. When he turned the corner to Betsy’s office, he found Andrew sitting on the corner preoccupied with his phone. His face was unreadable, Neil tightened his lips at the uncertainty. Andrew didn’t look up, even when Neil pulled up to the curb and shifted into park.  
  
“Hey,” Neil said. Andrew hummed at him, as he pulled out one of the cigarettes with his phone free hand. Neil pulled away and decided to take the scenic route back. Neil chugged along the roads through campus, and all of its human roadblocks, until buildings grew fewer and farther between. Far away from all the harsh corners and edge of campus, replaced by curvey drape of verdant weeping willow and vibrant splatters of wildflowers. Neil watched Andrew scan across the rolling landscape. He thought he heard an approving hum, as they stopped at a fork in the road across from a lake, glittering like sequins under the afternoon sun.  
  
“I texted Renee,” Andrew said.  
  
“She has service now? Is she taking a break from the mission?” Neil asked, genuinely curious.  
  
“Nah. She was just in a major city to get supplies. She said she’s not sure if she can make Aaron’s wedding, but she’s trying. If they can get another volunteer for the weekend it should be fine, but she doesn’t want to risk it until she knows they have someone,” Andrew explained in an exhale of smoke. He lowered his window down a little more, fanning it out of the way like it was bothering him. He took one more drag, before tossing half-burned cigarette to the tunnel of wind. “Can we stop?”  
  
“Sure,” Neil said, surprise bookending his words. “Anywhere fine?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Neil pulled the car over to a dirt alcove on the side of the road, barely big enough for the Quattroporte to sneak in. Andrew was out of the car the moment the engine quieted, and Neil followed him with a click of the key fob to lock the doors.  
  
Andrew waded out through a field of bright yellows and oranges, shifting slowly like it was high tide waters.  
  
Neil was hesitant, and he wasn’t quite sure why. He felt if he stepped into Andrew’s sea of flowers - he’d sink. Andrew, almost tip to toe in black, shouldn’t have looked like he was at home here. He should look like a specter of death, stark against the bright colors. But the coolness of his eyes and the way the wind ran through his hair made it seem he was some lost boy of the forest, and the flower beds were his home.  
  
It was all strange and far too poetic for Neil’s pragmatic sensibilities. It made him feel seasick, even though he could see the dirt behind shades of green underneath his worn out Nikes.    
  
“Neil,” Andrew called, sitting in the center of the flowers.  
  
“Yeah.” Neil didn't say it loud enough that Andrew could hear him, but he jogged out to him. As Neil got closer, he saw Andrew assessing some sunshine colored flowers on a shrub nearby.  
  
“Do you like flowers?” Neil asked, tone heavy with incredulousness as he sat beside Andrew, close enough for their knees to barely brush with each other.

“Not really,” Andrew said, rubbing the petals between his fingers. “Renee said she missed the flowers here. Yellow something or other. I want to press one for her next letter.”  
  
“She’ll like that,” Neil said in a tone as light as the summer breeze that pushed his hair in his eyes. He wished he had his bandana. He felt Andrew’s hand, too warm against his skin, push his hair out of his eyes for him.  
  
“I’m going to Aaron’s wedding.” He looked Neil dead in the eyes as he said it, and to the untrained ear, it probably sounded more like a threat.

“Why the change of heart?” Neil kept his tone conversational, and his eyes on the flowers rather than Andrew. “Did you talk to Betsy about it?”  
  
It was obvious he had, but Neil wanted to see if he was willing to talk about it with him. Andrew grunted and plucked a flower of the bush to get a closer look at it.  
  
“I was feeling a lot of cognitive dissonance. Betsy asked me to compartmentalize and assign value to all the shit I was thinking about. It’s math, you should get that.”  
  
“We’ve talked about people as equations.” Neil teased, plucking a flower of his own between his two fingers. Neil held it up to the sun, and the colors bled together. “But I’m glad. It might be our last trip for awhile.”  
  
“Yeah.” Andrew’s voice was far away from the field. Neil suspected it was still on Betsy’s couch in her office.  
  
They hadn’t talked much about the sands in the hourglass. They talked about basic stuff - Andrew was still going to play Exy, and Neil had stars in his eyes. He was debating between a few teams, and Neil knew it was a decision based on proximity, or somewhere Neil might hope to be scouted to next year. Andrew settled on the Minneapolis Glaciers - despite him thinking the team name was stupid, but only second to how stupid any comments about the twin cities only receiving a single Minyard were. It was close enough to travel to, and Neil really did think that Andrew’s goalkeeping aggressive goalkeeping would be complementary to the offensive playstyle the Glaciers were known for.  
  
What they did not talk about, however, was how much it was going to fucking suck to be apart. Or how scared shitless Neil was. His life pre and post Andrew was so radically different, and Neil was afraid of how removing Andrew as a variable would adjust his equation.  
  
After he said that’s not how people worked.  
  
“You should talk to Betsy,” Andrew said as if Neil was thinking loud enough for him to hear. Neil winced at the words.  
  
“Andrew...” Neil didn’t want to say ‘no’ to him. Mostly because he knew Andrew as right. Neil had gone through so much and had dealt with it _fine_ , but he knew he was held up by others. Next year he’d have no one to lean on, and well, Betsy Dobson was at least a familiar face.  
  
“Think about it,” Andrew demanded, standing up, flower delicate in his hand.  
  
“I’ll think about it.”

It was the least Neil could do. Andrew had done the same for him, he had to be willing to give the same for him. Andrew reached out a hand to Neil, and Neil grabbed without hesitation to let him pull him up to standing.  
  
“I’m gonna put my flower in my travel binder,” Neil said, with a twitch to his lips that might’ve been a smile.  
  
“Cheating. We didn’t go anywhere.” Andrew started walking back to his car. “Wait to find something asinine on the island.”  
  
Neil gripped the stem of the flower tight in his hand, and jogged to catch up to Andrew. He thought he’d try and find a vase for it - or something. Neil wanted to keep it alive for as long as he could even though he knew it was destined to wither away.

* * *

“Wow.” Neil gawked as he walked under the canopy of blue LEDs of the hotel lobby. The lights reflected off all wavy shaped mirrors, highlighting the artistic driftwood behind the glass of the concierge desk. 

Neil supposed he shouldn’t be surprised - it was a wedding after all. Sleek modern decor to highlight an ocean view was probably par for the course. But Neil had never been to a wedding, and his memory of hotels was stained like old sheets with memories of running with his mother. The kind of places they could leave at odd hours of the night with minimal hassle. Nothing quite 4 star.  
  
He didn’t even notice how long he was standing dumbfounded until Andrew bumped into his rolling carry on suitcase.  
  
“We don’t have all day. The room’s under your name right? Check us in. I’ll watch our stuff.”  
  
Andrew hip checked him, gently enough to just get the point across, and plopped himself directly on Neil’s suitcase. The transaction with the receptionist was brief enough. Neil always felt a little emotional rush handing over his credit card. The day he got it he ran his fingers over the raised letters of his name so many times Andrew threatened to cut it up before he could even buy anything. He thought about that, with a small smile, as he fingered one of the hotel keys out to give to Andrew.  
  
“Ground floor. We have a beachfront patio.”  
  
Andrew frowned. Not his resting face of constant disapproval, but viscerally upset.  
  
“Andrew?” Neil asked, but quickly heard his boyfriend's name parrotted a few octaves higher right after him.  
  
“Renee, you made it,” The angry tug on Andrew’s face quickly softened out to something much more palatable, and maybe almost happy if you squinted. Neil knew better though, that he was near ecstatic to see her. “You’re the only person here worth talking to. It would’ve been awful if you bailed.”  
  
“Oh, stop.” Renee’s hair was long enough to be pulled back into a stubby little ponytail, and her pastel rainbow was long gone to muted sandy blonde color. “Hello, Neil. It’s good to see you.” She smiled, bright and sunny like the yellow jessamine they picked for her. She still had that too formal to be causal, just-so, way of speaking. It didn’t instantly put Neil on alert like it used to.  
  
“It’s good to see you too.” Neil gave her as earnest of a smile as he could muster, even if he thought it’s as uncomfortable on his face as the poor flower they sent her was in Andrew’s Sociology textbook. She giggled at him with a dainty hand over her mouth. Neil sighed, half-smile still lopsided on his face.  
  
“I’ll let you two unpack, I need to track down Allison. She’s letting me stay in her room since it was so last minute. I’d love to catch up later!” She looked directly at Andrew when she said it.  
  
“Sure. See ya soon.” Andrew said with a nod, standing up from under his suitcase. The moment he was out of Renee’s eyesight, his lips drew into a tight line. Neil didn’t even have the chance to ask before Andrew turned and started walking down the hall. Neil grabbed his own bag and paced himself to catch up.

“Room 116.” Neil said, just loud enough so Andrew could hear. He didn’t even respond with a grunt, or scoff, or any typical Andrew noise. They both walked in silence until they came up to their door.  
  
Neil hesitated to pull out his key card. Andrew’s eyes on him made hyper aware of his every move, Neil held his breath just so he wouldn’t make a sound. He kept his eyes on the door handle, waiting for the click and blinking light to usher them into their room.  
  
Neil wasn’t sure what he was expecting - Andrew’s calculating eyes made him feel like they were walking into a trap. Neil squinted into the dim room, and all he could make out was spacious king bed surrounded by tranquil teal and modern white lacquer accents. Neil exhaled.  
  
It was just a hotel room, and a nice one at that. He dropped his bag on the fluffy duvet and paced to the window, throwing back the curtain with swoop of his arm.

His heart sank as sunlight washed him over like the crashing ocean waves staring back at him.  
  
Neil’s legs went numb, and the crackling of fire was so loud in his ears it throbbed in the center of his head. He couldn’t breathe. His throat was hot and he was sure he was gasping but no air was coming in. He was choking. On ash? He couldn’t smell but his nostrils burned like his throat and his arms were heavy, he couldn’t feel his feet, his vision - he was going cross-eyed and blurry. He had to get out of here, but he couldn’t feel anything. He had to go he had to run he had to he had to  
  
“Neil.”  
  
He whipped around fully expecting to see his mothers sallow face. When sunken eyes and chapped lips morphed like a magic eye puzzle to reveal jawline too sharp, and cheekbones to rigid to be his mother. He blinked and Andrew’s eyes came into focus, and Neil collapsed on the floor right there, with heaving breaths like he just escaped the ocean's grasp.  
  
Neil wasn’t sure how long he spent just gripping the hotel floor and trying not the spew bile onto the carpet.  
  
The entire time he was gasping and heavy Andrew remained standing with his bag still on his shoulder by the foot of the bed. He might as well have been a fixture in the hotel room.

“Neil,” he said again. The word felt like a weight around his neck. Despite it, Neil strained himself to stand.  
  
“I’m fine.” Neil didn’t even notice he said anything. He didn’t hear himself, the words just fell out of his mouth. But he knew exactly what he said by the way Andrew’s mouth twisted into a snarl.  
  
“Do not say things you do not mean.” Andrew warned him. His palpable anger made him seem so much larger. His presence towered over Neil, even in the taut five-foot package of his slender body. Neil inhaled.  
  
“I’m fine,” he said again, this time slower and more deliberate. Neil wanted to believe those words now more than ever, and he’s said them more times than he could count.Whatever he was fighting now was so much different than what he was facing when he first stepped foot on The Foxhole Court. He wasn’t trying to keep people out anymore but he-

He didn’t really know what he’s doing. Neil only knew he couldn’t flip the fuck out in a beachside resort hotel during his friend's wedding. His palms still felt clammy, and the longer he spent under Andrew’s gaze the more he felt like he was going to crack.  
  
“I’m gonna shower. I’ll be ready before rehearsal dinner.” Neil measured his words and spoke them just so, locking his eyes with Andrews.  
  
“If you say so, Josten.” Andrew scoffed at him, before finally dropping his bag next to Neil’s on the bed. Andrew walked to their patio window. Neil knew he was reaching for the pack of cigarettes in his pocket just from the way his shoulders slouched. He wasn’t ready to hear the sound of crashing waves as Andrew pushed open the sliding door. Neil was breathless again, and he slammed the door to the bathroom as if the air in there was easier to breathe. Neil kept gasping, as he yanked the shower head on and let white noise and steam dull out his senses. Even if the stagnant air and thick fog gave Neil a sense of comfot, it didn’t give him any clarity. Neil still had pinball thoughts ricocheting so fast in his brain he couldn’t focus on any one. The only thing he could really think about was how it was odd he had to drown out the sounds of water with more water.

* * *

The rehearsal dinner went, for all intents and purposes, fine. Neil wasn’t wholly present for it, but he was sure he acted it. He remembered the events as if they were on a film reel. He knew he spoke to Matt and Dan, and asked about how Philly was treating them- but he couldn’t tell you the finer details of the conversation. Neil thought there were pictures, maybe. He remembered Nicky crying, but he can’t remember why. People were laughing though, and since they did so did Neil, so it was probably okay. Nicky probably got too drunk and emotional, it was so like him. Kevin brought Thea, a pleasant surprise for everyone. Neil didn’t remember talking to her, he thought he saw Allison speaking with her a lot. He thought it probably made Kevin flustered. He’s not sure.  
  
What he was sure of is that Andrew spent most of the evening talking with Renee, with all the soft edges that meant he was having a good time. Time to time Neil felt the weight of Andrew’s eyes on him, however, and they were sharp like a dagger pointed to his throat.

Aaron, in the company of Katelyn’s small family, was someone unfamiliar to Neil. Maybe there was a third Minyard out there, and they were actually triplets. This Aaron had an easy smile and a sparkle in his eyes that could’ve been the lake reflection of the stars he sometimes saw in Andrew.  
  
That, perhaps, was the crispest sharpest memory Neil had of the evening and it left him more rattled than before. The entire night he was floating, he let the current pull him between friends so he could smile and say the things normal things people said.  
  
At least he hoped he did. Neil wasn’t sure what came out of his mouth other than white noise. Everyone smiled, though, so it was okay.  
  
He was fine.  
  
It was hard to believe that when Neil didn’t realize they were back in their hotel room until the bite of the AC nipped at his exposed skin. Andrew always preferred it cold if he had control over the situation, so the AC was on full blast at any given time.  
  
Neil felt the chill to his bone. He was suddenly aware of all the muscle under his skin, and the nerves in all his teeth. It was an effort to keep his breath even, having to mind his nervous system, as he sat on the bed. He knotted his fingers in the puffy comforter and looked up to Andrew.  
  
“It was pretty fun tonight,” Neil didn’t think he was lying - he remembered seeing almost everyone smile. “Nicky looked like a proud dad. It’s too bad Erik couldn’t make it.”  
  
“Neil.” Andrew said, words like a roadblock. He was leaning against the wall facing him, arms crossed taut across his chest. He didn’t wear his armbands much anymore, but he kept tight cotton undershirts that covered everything that strangers had no business seeing.  
  
“Yes or No?” Neil blurted out, cramming all the syllables into a desperate sound. Andrew cocked his head just a degree and raised an eyebrow to him. “Yes,” Neil swallowed. “Or No?”  
  
Andrew stayed silent, assessing eyes focused in on Neil. Neil was sure he saw his twitching fingers or the quiver of the lump stuck in his throat. That much was obvious. What Andrew made of it, was another story.  
  
“...Yes.”  
  
Neil had never seen hesitation in Andrew - especially not about this. It was something new that stirred up all the ilk in his stomach and made him newly nauseous. Neil felt so, so very small. Like a boneless, brainless jellyfish who couldn’t feel the sea beat and batter them to the shore. Like he didn’t know he was in pain until he was dead.

Andrew bent down, and Neil chased his kisses like they were the CPR he needed to survive the night. The kisses they swapped gave Neil photo perfect memories of sunset on top of Fox Tower years ago, when they used to kiss like war.

Neil was more than happy to fight tonight. He wanted to kiss like his life was on the line, or like the last quarter of a match, and they were down. He wanted to kiss until his whole body screamed for release until it was the only thing he could think or feel.

Neil tugged at Andrew’s sleeves, urged him to climb on top of Neil. Andrew obliged. Neil felt so much better, under the protection of his Andrew canopy. Andrew bit his lip, and Neil lifted his arms above his head crossing his wrists and hoped Andrew would get the idea. Neil’s heart beat somehow faster when Andrew’s calloused finger wrapped around them.  
  
Neil writhed and hummed needy noises into Andrew’s mouth. It was unlike him, to be so...much, during sex. Not that Andrew didn’t rock his world every time, but he was never these whiny, vocal boys that Neil thought were exclusive to porn. Andrew didn’t seem to mind, though. Neil wondered if he liked boys like that.  
  
“Andrew.” Neil turned his head away to catch a breath. “Fuck, Andrew.” He kept his hips firmly down into the mattress, but couldn’t stop from twisting his legs into the sheets, and curling his toes tight against his feet. “You should tie me up. Fuck me as hard as you want.”  
  
Andrew stopped moving but kept his grip on Neil’s wrists.    
  
“That was only for those who couldn’t behave.” Andrew’s words were poured like a meticulously measured shot of bourbon, and they burned all the way down Neil’s throat.

“Maybe I can’t tonight. Maybe I don’t wanna risk it. I want you to make me feel so much I can’t stand it anymore. Andrew.” Neil knew his tone was soaked in something ugly and desperate- something rotten Andrew could smell on him.  
  
“No.”  
  
And he pulled away, rose to stand and looked down on Neil like some gothic gargoyle mounted on the castle of all his baggage. Neil shivered, and he took Andrew deadly serious even with the tent in his dress slacks. He tried to find the words, find anything. He couldn’t ask Andrew again. Andrew didn’t want to hear sorry. Neil needed the perfect cocktail of words that could show he knew he fucked up, but his brain was still all static and his hands were shaking without Andrew there to keep them still.  
  
“Okay,” Neils breath came out in shuddered gasps. “Okay.”

Neil wasn’t sure it was, though. Andrew’s touch was his life preserver, and he might drown without it.  
  
“I’m going out for a smoke.” Andrew declared, sharp eyes tracing Neil’s features.  
  
“Okay.” Neil knew he sounded more like a pull string doll than a grown ass man, but the fact he had a single word in his vocabulary was impressive.  
  
“Is it, Neil?” Andrew asked, and it worried Neil more there was no sneer or venom to his accusation. Neil dragged his eyes from his shaking hands to Andrew’s face. His lips were in a thin line, and his eyes focused. It wasn’t the intensity he brought to court or the candidness he brought to bed. It was a different kind of Andrew’s intensity, and Neil wasn’t sure where he stood in it.  
  
“I think I will be. Can I come with you?”  
  
Andrew nodded, sharp and simple, and Neil felt like he could breathe again.

Neil busied himself with his shoes as Andrew pulled the curtain shut and locked the patio door.

“Do you have your menthols? I don’t feel like getting my pack from outside.”

“You don’t like menthols,” Neil said, finding it strange that Andrew didn’t want to get his cigarettes when his hands were on the door. 

“I don’t hate them. I’m in the mood for something refreshing anyway.” Andrew shrugged, sliding on his ratty sneakers near the door. They looked out of place with his dress clothes from dinner but made Andrew seem more...Andrew.  
  
“Yeah, I have plenty.” Neil fished his own American Spirits from his crumpled jacket off the top of his suitcase, and slipped into his own sneakers, stepping over his loafers to be in mismatched uniform with Andrew.  
  
“There some food trucks still out. You barely ate dinner. We’d only have to go a little inland.” Andrew explained to Neil as they shuffled they’re way out of the hotel room.  
  
“I should eat.” Neil said, more declarative than anything with feeling.

“You should eat.” Andrew agreed.  
  
“I want cheese fries.”  
  
“No bacon on them,” Andrew said, holding out his hand for Neil to give him a cigarette.  
  
“No bacon.” Neil nodded, and plucked a cigarette out of the pack for Andrew, and then himself. Andrew had his lighter out the moment they stepped out of the hotel sliding doors, the minty burned smell suffocating all his other senses.  
  
Neil took a long drag as Andrew lit his own cigarette. A gentle breeze wafted Neil’s smoke behind him, spreading against the hotel brick as it tried to roll around to the other side. The air was thick with the smell of hot oil, and the stale hoppy scent of beer coming from all the late night pubs and food carts from the bustling streets. Everything across the way was illuminated with scattered street lights and flickering neon signs. At the moment, Neil was sure heaven smelled a lot like menthols and fried dough.  
  
“It’s nice out there.” Neil mused around his cigarette, watching living groups of people lazily rolling through the buzzing streets, gathering to taco trucks and ice cream stands like seagulls waiting for someone's scraps. Andrew nodded at him, with a noncommittal hum.  
  
“Let’s find some food. I don't want your stomach keeping me up all night.” Andrew sneered, and it was so obnoxious that Neil mustered up the energy to roll his eyes.  
  
“You’re paying.” Neil walked off toward grid of streets, through the smoke being blown right back into his face. Andrew groaned, but he didn’t protest.

* * *

Neil was, actually, ‘fine’ for a while. Late night cigarettes and junk food with Andrew lulled his body into a drowsy state that was heavy enough to drag his mind down with him. He was shielded by blackout curtains and Andrew’s body heat, and the good night's sleep gave him enough energy to primp himself. Well, attempt to. It didn’t take long for Andrew to snatch the comb out of Neils hand and force some product into his hair, muttering all the while that Neil was an ‘aesthetic disaster’. Neil huffed, but he couldn’t really argue. He just hoped he looked presentable enough to look at home in his rented suit. If Andrew could make Neil look half as good as he did right now, it wouldn’t be an issue. Neil couldn’t help but stare as Andrew mussed and fussed with him. Andrew looked Nice.

  
Real nice.

Andrew had to bat Neil away from his neck after spritzed himself with some cologne. The scent of it kept Neil in high spirits as they wandered through the hotel halls to meet up with Nicky, who was already in tears, and the other groomsmen. It lit a feeling deep inside Neil’s chest, like he swallowed a tea light, to see all the foxes here to represent Aaron’s family. It made him want to hold Andrew’s hand and think things he’d never say out loud. He kept his foolish sentimentality deep inside himself, underneath the tiny warm light, and tried and pinpoint Aaron. He was all but smothered in Nicky’s towering frame and frantic energy, meanwhile Aaron himself was staring into the vanity mirror like his reflection was dealer mark. Neil decided if there was any day he should spare Aaron Minyard a kindness, it was probably today.  
  
“Excited?” Neil asked, keeping his tone hushed as he made eye contact with Mirror-Aaron.  
  
“Anxious.” He admitted it like breathing, and Neil wondered if someone helped him hide the bags under his eyes like Allison used to help Neil hide his bruises.  
  
“You’re at the easy part now.” Neil teased him, and Aaron sneered. Nicky, perhaps taking his best man role a little too seriously opened his mouth and Aaron pushed him limply with his left hand. Nicky gaped at him fish like, before frowning.  
  
“Can you make sure the music queued up right? And check with planner how Katelyn’s doing with time,” Aaron listed off chores for Nicky robotically, who just seemed happy to help. “And a double vodka. Thanks, Nicky.” Aaron finally sighed as Nicky jogged away from him.  
  
“I’ve been dreading this. Katelyn’s whole family is out there, uncles, cousins, everyone.” Aaron kept his hands wrapped around a rocks glass that must’ve been the last drink Nicky fetched for him. Neil was surprised he hadn’t shattered it with how tight his fingers were constricted around it.  
  
“And you just have us.” Neil kept his tone steady as if Aaron’s implications didn’t smother the small warmth in his gut.  
  
“Not that,” Aaron waved his hand, sounding bored with the idea of Neil’s damage. “It’s not you guys it’s how people look at us. You know what I mean.”  
  
Neil bit his lip, but he did, indeed, know.  
  
“These people look at me and know I’ve killed a man. They look at me like they know my past because of all the news stories with ‘ _Minyard_ ’ in them. You know how this is.”  
  
Neil nodded and thought briefly of Nathaniel Wesninski, and the whispers that always followed that last name.  
  
“Katelyn chose this,” There’s a softness in Aaron’s voice that made Neil want to run. It’s something so strange that didn’t sound right coming from his lips. It made Neil’s stomach churn, and he did everything to keep listening and not chase down Nicky to deal with it. “She wanted this more than anything despite my baggage. She’s choosing to be a Minyard, and you all people should fucking get how insane that is.”  
  
“Loving you is probably the easiest thing she’s ever had to do.” Neil forced the words out of his mouth before he could take them back. He swallowed his courage back down, and his voice came out much softer. “It’s not insane. I’d know.”  
  
Aaron hummed, with a slight nod, finally letting go of the glass on the vanity.  
  
“Have you told Andrew that?” There was something a hair away from amusement in Aaron’s voice. Neil held back a shudder.  
  
“Not so much. Do you think he’d really want to hear it?”

Aaron snorted, and Neil couldn’t help but let this lips twitch into a smile.

“Katelyn’s getting off easy, she gets the less difficult twin,” Neil said. Mirror-Aaron was no longer looking back at him, only a head of gelled and coiffed hair. Aaron’s eyes were on the table, but Neil could see his cheeks pushed up just enough to give away he was smiling.  
  
“I got the hot one, though.” Neil didn’t smile, but smugness oozed out of the corners of his lips.  
  
“That is 100% not how identical twins work.” Aaron was frustrated enough to look back at Neil. Neil managed a smile.  
  
“I dunno, you’re not a doctor.”  
  
“Yet,” Aaron said with finality. He looked over Neil’s shoulder - Nicky probably on his way back with the drink.  
  
“Music’s queued up, they’re testing the speakers with some violin-y elevator music. Katelyn is getting finishing touches on her hair and the wedding planner is about to come over to start barking orders at us to get ready. I peeked in to say hi to the girls, would it like, make the wedding not work if I told you Katelyn looked like, gorgeous. Not like regular gorgeous, like-”  
  
“Give me the drink and listen to the wedding planner. Get yourself ready, I need a minute alone.” Aaron grabbed the drink out of Nicky's hand before he could get a word in edgewise, and Neil nudged Nicky back to the other boys despite his sputtering.  
  
The wedding planner - a frantic little thing with a severe bun - ordered them to start getting outside and lining up with the bridesmaids to head out. Neil found a small smile, accenting his face much like his bright blue pocket square giving his suit a dash of brightness. Any color in his face drained like a slow melting icicle at Andrew’s brows, slanted ever so slightly adding a marble glaze to his normally stony stare.  
  
“Are you ready?” Andrew asked in Russian. A language they picked up over the years to hide from Kevin, or Aaron and give themselves a bit of privacy.  
  
The fact that Andrew thought they needed privacy, made Neil’s melting icicle smile refreeze into a shape formed with confusion and pain.

“Yes?” Neil answered slowly, unearthing his Russian from the myriad of other languages piled in his brain. “It’s not my wedding day, what do I need to be ready for?” Neil’s tone shook a little bit, especially on the words he couldn’t remember so well, and he hoped it wouldn’t crack.  
  
Andrew’s lips twitched into a frown but didn’t say anything. Which was well enough because once the doors opened, all the voices and music melted into an indiscernible white noise in his ears. Dainty piano notes and delicate violin strings quelled underneath the crash of ocean waves.

* * *

  
The ceremony was beautiful, probably.

Neil spent the entire time doing his best not to make a goddamn scene. He felt like he was going to pass out as the officiator’s words blended together into some kind of linguistic gruel. The only thing that kept him upright was a sharp squeeze to his hand. Neil’s spine straightened with alarm, and his world came into focus as he blinked a few times. He surreptitiously flicked his eyes to his hand, and back up to the owner of said hand but made sure not let his gaze linger. Neil kept his stare on Aaron and Katelyn and acted like he paid no attention to the fact that Andrew was holding his hand.  
  
In public.

On paper, it sounded like something he would be elated about, but it made Neil a little nauseous with worry. Andrew wouldn’t be doing this unless he had to, and Neil hated to be the person to cause Andrew to _have_ to do things.

But he held on to Andrew until ‘ _You may now kiss the bride’_ and he needed his hands for clapping that felt more mandatory than enthusiastic, even if he wanted so badly to be more happy for Aaron than worried he was losing his goddamn mind.  
  
Neil kept himself together for as long as socially acceptable before he ran off the bathroom to hyperventilate until he spat up bile, hot in his empty stomach. It was a little pathetic, Neil thought, staring down at his toilet reflection rippled with highlighter sick. Like some sloppy art student’s inspired self-portrait. Neil stared at his features, separate and isolated, and puzzle pieced them back together to the image of Nathan. He would’ve retched again if there was anything left in his stomach to upheave. Neil had suffered at this hands of that man far too much to let him sink his nails into him again. His scars felt hot under his button down, and he refused to take the torture for a moment longer.

Neil flushed the warped reflection away without another glance, turning to the sink to splash his face with water as cold as it would run. With his eyes screwed shut, he pawed for the decorative fluffy hand towel to scrub water off his face, hard enough to brush his skin pink. Neil stormed out the bathroom just as fast as he rolled in, eyes glued to the floor the entire time in fear he might see the Nathaniel stare back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Neil didn’t even realize there was a high pitch whine in the back of his head until it pierced through the ambient chatter in the hotel halls. Neil scanned the room a couple of times as if the bathroom spat him out somewhere completely foreign until he spotted Andrew, leaning against the wall and staring at the ceiling.  
  
Neil walked over to him as if Andrew's staring was just as normal as his episode.  
  
“Let’s go get apps. I puked and I’m hungry.”  
  
“They have some kind of focaccia pesto sandwich bites,” Andrew said, lazily drifting into the stream of partygoers walking toward the reception hall. Neil was sure he didn’t look quite as natural as he staggered on after him. Greasy and carb-y sounded like the perfect way to sop up all the roiling acid in his gut. Andrew had a small plate of them stacked before Neil even caught up to him.  
  
Moments like these made Neil wonder how anyone could speak ill of Andrew. Criminal record be damned.  
  
He thanked Andrew through closed-mouth hums as he chomped his way through the snacks, slowly finding some weight to his form again. Neil even found a small smile, as Andrew returned with a few more and small rocks glass three-quarters full of that brown-but-almost-black cola color. Neil plucks another sandwich off the plate and cocks his head slightly as Andrew holds out the sweating glass to him.  
  
“For your nerves,” he explained. “Now that you have some food in you.”  
  
Neil shook his head the moment the words spill out of Andrew’s mouth.  
  
“It’s not nerves.” Neil’s tone came out more petulant than he wanted it to. Andrew doesn’t try to hide his eye roll.  
  
“Okay, then. To take the edge off whatever you want to call this.” There was boredom to Andrew’s tone that made Neil hot in the face. He hoped the low amber lighting would hide the color on his tan skin enough that Andrew wouldn’t notice, or at least say anything.

“I’m fine.”  
  
Andrew’s face immediately hardened. The comfortable smoothness of boredom chiseled into sharp, angry edges.

Andrew hadn’t been actually angry in some time. He’d be empty, moody and more often than not, too tired for pleasantries. The creases on the insides of his eyes were deep shadowed with undeniable _anger_ laced with intent. Neil’s defense signals were ringing and every synapse fired told him to protect himself, to do anything so he wouldn’t become prey.  
  
“Neil Josten, don’t you dare lie to my face like this.” Andrew hissed the words, and his threats without the padding of mania to soften the blow, cut hot into Neil, like the knives Andrew used to wave around.  
  
“I’m not dealing with this.” Neil turned on his heel fast enough to feel his sculpted hair bounce and fall into his eyes. He ran a hand through it, despite the resistance of the product, like he would move his sweat-soaked bangs above his headband mid-match. Andrew didn’t call after him, and he didn’t hear any footfalls follow him.  
  
Not that Neil expected it. But his nostrils flared when salty air hit them, and Neil couldn’t stop scowling. He felt the strain of his gritted teeth throb throughout his jaw, and the back of his shoe dug into the back of his heel, grinding kicked up sand into his skin.  
  
The sun seared at the bottom of the sky, dipping into the ocean and drenched the shoreline burnt orange shadows. It dyed the waves the same thick brown color as the rum and coke he was running away from.  
  
Neil wanted to yell at this cola colored sea. Like some big dramatic Hollywood moment, scored with over the top orchestral movements. He wanted to scream at everything the ocean took from him, everything it was still taking from him. He wanted to demand his bravery back from the sea and keep all his pain locked away like Pandora’s Box disguised as pirate’s treasure. Neil wanted to be fine. He wanted that to stop being a lie.  
  
But life was rarely full of that kind of melodrama, and Neil certainly didn’t have it in him. So he stood in the sand, the ocean lapping a safe half foot from his leather loafers, and did nothing. Neil existed, and felt pathetic, as he let the beach torment him.  
  
“We’re waiting for your moving monologue, Josten. Golden hours almost up, we can’t get your good side without light.”  
  
Neil tightened his fist. So typical, so obnoxious, so incredibly _Andrew._  
  
“You don’t have to be such an asshole,” Neil muttered, eyes targeted on the shifting waves.  
  
“I thought you were fine.” Andrew’s know-it-all tone made something snap in Neil’s brain, like plywood over his knee.  
  
“I’m fucking _not,_ okay? Is that what you want to hear? You want me to tell you that I’ve been sick to my fucking stomach ever since we got on this fucking island? You wanna hear that you’re right? Andrew Minyard: never wrong about anything in his goddamn life? Do you have a bet on if I was going to ruin your brother's wedding? Well, I’m glad I’m your reliable fucking racehorse. You can buy us dinner off my misery.”

The moment words started tumbling out of Neil’s mouth, he couldn’t hold back the avalanche. Andrew’s chin was pointed up at him, silent, but slowly moving his way across the sand towards Neil. Neil took a step back, just far enough for cold water to snake it’s way around his foot, like a hand threatening to drag him under. And if Neil was going down, he was going down swinging.  
  
“Does it make you fucking happy, that I can’t fucking smell the sea air without the afterburn of gasoline? Or the fucking putrid smell of burning flesh and bone? I can’t fucking outrun the ocean. I’m always going to be surrounded by the mother fucking ocean. Chasing me like my fucking father. It doesn’t fucking matter, Andrew. No matter how far I go I can’t escape it. Two fucking guarantees in life, I’m imprisoned by...fucking, this, and the stench of Nathaniel is soaked bone fucking deep into me. I’m smoke damaged. I don’t know _why_ I thought I could be normal, I don’t know _WHY-”_ _  
_ _  
_ “Neil Josten.”  
  
Neil stopped with all the momentum of a trainwreck. Like he was shaken from sleep paralysis and could suddenly feel the weight of his limbs again. Or he was in a coma, and he wasn’t used to the sting of light in his eyes, adjusting to the unfamiliar surroundings. All he could feel was burning in his lungs, and he just now realized he was choking on air.  
  
“Neil, can I touch you?”

Andrew’s face looked so soft, drenched in sherbert palette of the sunset. Neil couldn’t reach his vocabulary, so he nodded an enthusiastic and desperate ‘Yes’ that he hoped would be good enough for Andrew’s harsh laws of consent.  
  
Andrew placed his hands on top of Neil’s. Neil didn’t realize he was trembling, either. Andrew placed on hand over Neil’s knuckles, to keep it steady, and the other to slowly uncurl each of his fingers would so tight he left crescent moon indents on his palm.  
  
Andrew fished out something from his pocket, hidden in his own fist, and dropped it into Neil’s open hand, held steady for him. A frosted, light blue, piece of sea glass with three curved, rounded edges that fit just so into the crook of his palm. Andrew folded Neil hand back up, like a precious letter, and clasped his hands over him.  
  
“Tell me how it feels,” Andrew whispered, and even with the wind and waves, Neil could make out every syllable.  
  
“It’s..smooth. But it has a rougher texture than my hand,” Neil kept flipping it over, like trying to assess the weight of a bullion coin. “I like the curve on the bottom of it. Like a guitar pick.”  
  
“And what sounds can you hear?”  
  
“You.” Neil exhaled the word like it was a life or death question. “I can hear you. And I think I can hear everyone else, far away.”  
  
“They’re across the street at the bar,” Andrew explained, hands still clasped over Neil’s, and his brown eyes unblinking on him.  
  
“Yeah, I can smell food. Like the fries we had the other night.” Much like his breath was taken away, Neil barely noticed he was breathing as natural as, well, breathing again. There was no pressure in his sternum, and he swallowed just to feel how easy it was. Neil sniffed again and wrinkled his nose. “And beer. It smells like Nicky’s failed test parties.”  
  
“Can you smell seaweed, or feel the sand underneath you?”  
  
Neil’s eyes traced the path of retreating waves, too languid to do anything else but ooze onto the shore.  
  
“Yeah. Those things are there too. Just not as....much.” Neil couldn’t quite explain how it hit all of his senses like hot sauce earlier but wasn’t so hard on his palate now.  
  
“The other things are more important ” Andrew whispered. Neil almost, not quite, wanted to laugh. No one was eyesight or earshot, but Andrew kept his tones hushed like caring was a secret. So typical, so obnoxious, so Andrew.  
  
“I guess they are,” Neil said.  
  
“You can’t change the lines of the coast. I can give you two better guarantees.” Andrew took his eyes off Neil for the first time, to watch the glassy water sparkle under the moon trying to fight its way into the sky through the suns jewel tone sky. “Beaches are just piles of sand and gross water. And Nathaniel Weszninski is fucking dead.”  
  
Neil couldn’t move. He looked out into the ocean like he could see the corpse of his coward self floating where Andrew was staring.

No, that’s not quite right.

Nathaniel wasn’t dead. But he was gone, at least. Neil would always remember Nathaniel. Neil would always remember running. But Neil stopped.  
  
Neil stopped running and he had control over what his legs did. Neil took Nathaniel's eyes and hair for his own. Nathaniel turned a beach into a tomb and buried more than his mother underneath wet sand. But Neil had never seen the coast, and maybe Neil could hear the wedding march in the ocean's waves instead of-

It didn't matter instead of what.

Neil opened his palm again, still cradled in Andrew’s hands, and stared down at the little piece of sea glass as if it had knowledge like the Rosetta Stone.  
  
“Seaglass is just garbage.” Andrew didn’t sound sarcastic or sour as it should. Neil had to swallow a snort. Andrew must’ve felt it because his eyes darted back to Neil with a twitch of annoyance. “It’s just broken bottles the ocean beat to shit. When it washes up on shore again, it’s wrapped up in twine and sold for forty bucks in a gift shop. No one cares what it used to be.”  
  
Neil can’t help but let a smile bloom across his face so far it made the outside corners of his eyes crinkle. It was the sappy movie bow that his dramatics earned him. It was something so rare, so sweet, and so very, very Andrew.  
  
“Is this your cute way of calling me trash?” Neil teased, all the words stretched like putty through his ear to ear grin.  
  
Andrew huffed, and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Call me cute again and I’ll break your kneecaps.”  
  
“Can I kiss you?” Neil asked, squinting up at Andrew. The blanket of night was fully set over them, cool tones tacked up with scattered blinking stars.  
  
“Yes.” Andrew held out his arms gently at his sides. There weren’t enough words in their combined language catalog to translate how the bend of his arms, or the angle of his brows, or the million other things in his body language that spoke to him in fluent Andrew about trust, support and all the unyielding emotions between them. Neil stepped into him, snug as an untouched puzzle piece, and planted a chaste kiss onto Andrew’s lips before hiding his face in Andrew’s neck, just to live there for a while.  
  
“Junkie,” Andrew murmured, and Neil was sure he could almost hear the edges of a smile in his tone. “Are you fun enough to drink now?”  
  
Neil nuzzled his face into Andrew’s neck one last time before he came up for air.  
  
“Yeah. Not too much, though,” Neil said in a private coyness just for Andrew, who only offered up a raised eyebrow in question.  
  
“I want your dick to work tonight.”  
  
Andrew rolled his eyes, pulling away from Neil. “When has that ever been an issue?”  
  
“I’m just saying,” Neil grasped at Andrew’s hand, tugging him along to pull him across the beach and towards the city lights, where everyone was surely wondering where they are. “It could be an issue, you’re getting older.”  
  
“I don’t know why I put up with you.” Andrew spat the words like he had a foul taste in his mouth, but he didn’t protest when Neil slid his hand into his while they walked across the sand.

* * *

They did shots of whiskey the moment they got to the beach bar where the reception was. Everyone, including Katelyn’s family, seemed more than at home fisting fried snack food and washing it down with frosty foamy beers. Neil took a deep breath, and let himself smile.

Two AM snuck up on everybody, who booed at last call but didn’t put up a fight to be shuffled back to their hotel beds.

It was a different kind of relief when Andrew closed their hotel door behind him. He no longer gasped on the cold air, bone dry from the AC left running. This air didn’t fill his lungs like resuscitation but rather filled him to the brim with anticipation. He loosened his tie, so he could get more of it.  
  
“Did you mean what you said?” Andrew asked, running a hand through his hair to get it back to it’s more bedraggled I-woke-up-like-this state before dipping into the bathroom.  
  
“Mean what? If it’s the thing I said to Nicky in german it’s a hard maybe.” Neil shucked off his jacket and busied his fingers with the buttons of his shirt.  
  
“What?” Andrew’s surprise muffled with irritation.  
  
“Don’t worry about it.”  
  
“I don’t want to know. I mean about sex. Are you up for it or were you just being coy?”  
  
Neil’s fingers halted on his last button.

He wasn’t quite sure. Emotional exhaustion weighed him down like stone attached to his limbs, and if he made the effort to lay down he thought he could sleep so late Andrew would be the one nagging to get them out of the hotel before check out.  
  
On the flip side, Andrew’s touch was the only thing that kept him going. Neil felt foolish for even considering turning down the invite.  
  
Then Neil recalled the last time they tried to lay together and the color drained from his face.  
  
“Um.” He started, running his fingers over the last button of his shirt, letting the crisp poplin billow away from his chest. “Yes. If it’s a yes from you. I wasn’t........”  
  
“You were in poor form. Shit happens. I’m not mad about it anymore.” Andrew came out of the bathroom, nothing but a thin black pair of joggers low on his hips, arms bare at his sides.

“Anymore?” Neil asked, with mock hurt. Andrew thinned his eyes. “I’m kidding. I know. Would you be mad at if I said I was sorry?”  
  
Andrew grunted at him, noncommittally, as he moved to stand right in of Neil who was still mostly dressed as he sat on the bed.  
  
Andrew cupped his hands around Neil’s jaw.  
  
“It’s a yes.”  
  
Neil tilted his head up, so it’d be easier for Andrew to lean into him. He was incredibly warm even though his hair stood on end due to the chill in their room. The kisses they swapped were slow and lazy. Andrew’s tongue slipped into his mouth like he would slide into their bed at night while trying not to wake Neil. It was just as comforting, too. Neil would’ve been more than happy to just lie down, and swap kisses like this until his eyes burned from staying awake too long. He would’ve - if it wasn’t for the tightness of his dress slacks and a stray eye noticing how truly thin the fabric of Andrew’s pants was.  
  
“Just relax,” Andrew whispered. Neil chased him for one more kiss as he pulled away, and sank to his knees.

Neil didn’t waste time wriggling out of his pants and briefs, fumbling as they pooled around his ankle and caught on his toes. Andrew, with eyes focused like he was performing surgery, peeled them off of Neil with a delicate finesse that made his heart flutter. Like it was the first time they did something like this.

It at least prepared him to swallow the gasp as Andrew wrapped his mouth around him. Neil could feel his whole body going flush, suddenly feeling like he was out in the stick summer night again. Neil placed his hands on Andrew’s head, fingertips barely grazing his scalp. He stayed stock still and looked down at Andrew.  
  
“Can I touch your hair?” Usually that was one of their universal ‘Yes’es, but Neil knew to tread with caution with how he made Andrew feel last time. How Neil couldn’t even imagine how he made Andrew feel, and how it was a gut punch that he had the power to do that sort of thing.  
  
Andrew met his eyes, bright with a challenging mirth that made Neil’s heart skip a beat, and nodding his head as best he could with a mouth full of cock.  
  
Neil did shudder this time, audible over the hum of the AC, as he intertwined his fingers into Andrew’s hair. He kept his touch gentle, keeping with Andrew’s rhythm growing steadily faster. Perhaps it was his rollercoaster day, or the fact that they hadn’t had this private time together in a while, or just the fact Andrew’s biceps were sculpted by the light that made him look like god damn apollo carved from marble.

Whatever it was had Neil teetering on the precipice of orgasm.  
  
“Andrew-” He warned in a gasp, and Andrew gave him _those_ eyes again and his body was completely at Andrew’s mercy. Neil choked down another gasp, that came out a strangled, pathetic yelp as he watched Andrew’s Adam's apple roll down his throat.  
  
“Holy shit. ” Neil muttered, the last thing he managed before he collapsed into bed, his world fading to a sleepy black.

* * *

Andrew did, actually, have to wake Neil up sprawled across the mattress still pantsless. He was able to scramble his things together before check out without stressing too much. The fact that he fell asleep on Andrew was honestly more pressing to him than half an hour he had to dump his toiletries into his duffel bag.  
  
They got out, with barely any time to spare, to see everyone looking just as rushed and frantic as Neil was, but perhaps a touch more hungover. Except for Renee, as always looked fresh as spring rain in the morning.  
  
“Andrew!” She jogged over, abandoning Allison mid-sentence. “My plane is boarding soon, but I wanted to make sure I could say goodbye.” She dragged him off, just a step out of earshot from everyone else, except Neil who they had to know was close enough to hear but far enough away that he wasn’t meant to be a part of it.  
  
“Oh! I nearly forgot I wanted to thank you for the flower. Yellow Jessamine’s are my absolute favorite.”  
  
Andrew humphed, like he was still 19, and Renee’s giggle was masked with her petite hand.  
  
“I’ll text you as soon as I can. I’m not sure when.”  
  
“Yeah, I know. It was good to see you again.” Andrew held his hand out. His eyes locked onto Renee, and her smile twitched with the mischief of a girl who had the audacity to swing at Andrew. The whole exchange gave Neil hives. Andrew didn’t _shake hands_ with people.

“Always a pleasure Andrew. Best of luck in Minneapolis.” She smiled and clapped her hands over Andrew’s and Neil bit his tongue to keep his own smile from falling. 

“Goodbye, Neil! Take good care of our new little foxes. If anyone can show ‘em how it’s done, it’s you. Take care!” She came in for a quick hug, and Neil barely had his arms around her before she flitted away back to her suitcase and to everyone else to give her goodbyes.  
  
“Hey,” Andrew elbowed him, and Neil wasn’t sure how long he had been looking at shoes. “Stop making that face.”

Neil had no idea he was making a face. But he must’ve looked downright miserable if Andrew of all people was giving him social cues. Neil forced a wobbly smile, and Andrew’s nostrils flared. Lightning fast, Andrew grabbed Neil’s hand and pried open his palm and plopped something in the center of his hand before folding it up again.  
  
“Another gift?” Neil smiled at him, his tone light and teasing.  
  
“We didn’t have time for souvenirs. For your journal.” Andrew scanned everyone else, in their own conversations across the lobby.  
  
Neil opened his hand, just enough to get a private peek at the object there, but Neil was sure he’d remember the feeling of it for the rest of his life.  
  
The light blue sea glass, wrapped in a delicate silver cage like looping petals around its body, and a thin strand of twine streaming from it’s top. Neil wanted to hold it up and dangle it in front of the light, like a precious sea flower. He wanted to see the shades of blue it’d reflect onto everyone around him, with scattered shards of light from its delicate metal frame.  
  
But he knew it wasn’t for everyone. So he squeezed it tight in his hand and thought about how he’d like to make up for last night to Andrew the moment they got back to Columbia.

“Ready?” Andrew asked, standing shoulder to shoulder with Neil.

He didn’t think he was ready to only have a summer left with Andrew. He wasn’t ready for finite mornings of Andrew next to him in his bed, nor was he ready to count the evenings of smoking on the back porch and just watching the sunset over where they thought campus was. 

But he was ready for the future, too. More than ready to see Andrew flourish in the professional leagues. He was ready for his own future, as well. He was ready for new faces to impress, remind him why he loved this sport so much, and see what else he could conquer with Andrew at his side.

“Yeah,” Neil murmured, clutching the sea glass tighter in his palm. “I’m ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to Ashley for her endless support, feedback and too much reading you do for me. And To Tori, for always being there to sprint, being invested in my writing and what excites me and being the BEST beta in the world. You guys are real ones and I'm endlessly appreciative of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my sweet Thoughtsappear for being my Beta and idea ping pong number one. You've been super tolerant of my hyper fixation and I'm endlessly thankful. 
> 
> And thank you to Ashley for reading this even though you haven't read the books and listening to be ramble on for longer than necessary. You're a champ.


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